Day 3

Okay so the man asked for the the remaining chocolates tonight but there were none left. I'd manage to clear then out of the house.

Staggered into a supermarket and came out with diet coke and a 17p pancake mix. I bought the pancake mix as a desire to impulse buy as I'd previously spotted a top for Christmas I'd love to purchase so was feeling upset that I had 84p in my purse and nothing in the cash machine. Buying the mix made me feel like someone who goes shopping nothing more. Plus as it goes well with lemon and sugar that I have in my cupboards i argued I had a meal.

Haven't eaten junk or inbetween meals at all. Mixed results today, roll on tomorrow. Am still avoiding getting on the scales.

Day 2- Leaves

I have had a great day. Woke up early ate museli with fruit and nuts and strolled through the day like it was a holiday.

Decided to return a library book in my local town, by walking the path upto the base of the hill and then down the steep incline. It was a real joy to be puffing and panting again and pausing to take pictures of trees that have gone full cycle.

The library fine was 84p so I went to the supermarket in town with a stride in my boots. I had to re program myself not to look at cakes and biscuits and i succeeded, grabbing a pack of button mushrooms in panic. Bought the shopping and then heaved ho-d it up the hill with an extra strong shopper. The leaves are nearly off the trees. In a week or so they will have blown away but I am dwelling in their mellowness.

Food was good today, other than the urge to eat through the tin of chocolates at fruit snack time. Had they not been in the flat i wouldn't have had a handful. I was able to stop though I can't wait for his honour to releive me of the rest of the fatty treats

SO moderate success and a weigh in tomorrow.

Excess- Day 1

"Be excessive. if your love likes chocolate, give them a five-pound bar."

This is the dangerous quotation I found in The little book of joy. I am having to re think my excesses tonight. My car looks like a dustbin again, my parents food cupboards flow with biscuits and cakes. There are discarded ice cream tubs in my study. My body is worn down, tired and fed up. A bar of anything is not needed.

Tonight I had a serious discussion with the honey. He and I are worried about my weight. It's another rock bottom. Therefore, I am re-launching my diet, hence the new day numbers. I have already started. We sat down for a cup of tea the beau ate Scottish shortbread ;I had pineapple.

It's incredible how my self worth and motivation are linked with diet and exercise. I don't know why I want to act in a self loathing manner by abusing my body with food. Actually it's not that important to work it out tonight until I eat properly again.

Tomorrow I will walk and take photographs and eat three nutritious meals. Weigh in also I think
. I am also thinking about taking out a one month gym deal.

Embarrassment

I'm seething with anger, no incandescent with rage.

I got my days mixed up and thought the water man was coming to fit my water metre today, but he actually called yesterday when i was visiting my parents. This is the water company who had me wait 5 hours for them 2 weeks ago and didn't show. But it's not the water company im so enraged with it's my parents!

I told them what had happened and they both en mass went into a hysterical screaming fit at me infront of the neighbour. Then , and remember i'm 36, my dad calls the water company for me as my mother deems me "not fit to do anything myself".

I feel sick , anxious and venomous all in one. I feel like shouting at the top of my voice and screaming at them. But I sit here and vent my family laundry to the world instead, it's far easier and kinder. So my anger will turn to sorrow and before you know it i will be eating jaffa cakes in secret again.

Baked Figs and a Theatre Trip

Thursday saw me dash early into Manchester for theatre tickets and a lipstick in the most perfect shade of pink. Lunch was a hot chocolate and small piece of banana cake.

In the evening I headed for the centre of the city again and the glorious Royal Exchange Building, where in the thetre in the round is housed. The play was "Punk Rock", which has little to do with music but actually needs an edgy title to go with some of its content. It was a delight. The dialogue was sparkling, the characterisations interesting overall and the acting superb. It was mostly gripping.

It's been years since I've been to the theatre. I don't know why i've stayed away so long. The audience buzzes like a hive before performance. Why do we avoid what is good for us?

Yesterday I ate baked figs. They were baked in orange juice and honey and were sprinkled with almonds. Such a delight- so sensual.

Mother

I'm at my parent's house today as the car has gone into the garage for repair to the overheating fan. I have zero cash and no transport so there's no male company for me tonight. I'm actually kind of enjoying it. I've caught up on a network of writing contacts, watched Emma on BBC iplayer and have generally pottered about.

It's a luxury to be at my parent's. The house is warm and there is food readily available. I even had a wonderful tea provided for me, with homemade low fat yogurt icecream if i'd had been able to scoop it out. It proved to be frozen solid.

I'm still in a low funk which I am trying to get myself out of. Negative thoughts abound. Yet slowly good habits have crept into my routine here. I've reintroduced a set number of meals. Reintroduced fruit. I'm considering if i need that extra biscuit. Bit by bit I am gaining back some of my guts. I'm waiting for a little cry to say Enough and I can be free from this ridiculous obsession with eating and food.

How I treated the man

The sun caught the branches of the tree outside my bedroom window Sunday morning. It was a glorious sight. What I knew for sure, in the immortal words of Oprah, was that I wasn't feeding my man that tarte. I had prooved too rich for even my dad and was residing in the bottom of their fridge awaiting its next unsuspecting victim.

Having only a box of sweet potatoes in the house, which he had bought me Wednesday night-presenting them to me with joy like a cat a dead rodent, I was stuck what to give him. What man gives a woman sweet potatoes as a gift? Yet I was touched; it was the first time he'd found them in the supermarket and was glowing with his discovery.

In the end finances ruled. I had in the recesses of my purse a gift card from Marks and Glorious Spencer. Problem solved. I wouldn't have to cook and we could have something a bit different.

Scanning the aisles was fun, we built meals in our imagination. We rejected toad in the hole, spotted dick and steak and ale pie. We focused on complex fayre- Moussaka and salad. There was a debate over dessert. The him chose strawberry trifle- he's a classic English man afterall is said and done. Paying was painless. Plastic actually stops you feeling purchases. Waltzed home and shoved the thing in the thing in the corner of the room that actually gives out heat and waited.

He was happy. He went to his folks smiling and content although i'd over done it with the perfume and his brothers smiled knowingly when he said he'd visited a friend.

Chocolate Tarte

Having bought a reduced price cookbook the other day about french cusine, inspired by the film about Julia Childs. Loverboy is so good about the weekly budget food that I thought he deserved a treat. I was going to bake him Chocolate tarte. Then I realised that Friday was my dad's birthday so at 2 am Thursday evening I was making chocolate pastry to chill for Friday.

I don't cook very often for loads of reasons but I was delighted to because my dear old pa is 74. Friday morning I melted the chocolate and heated the cream. I poured the mix into the pasty case and admired my handy work. Then I hoofed it over to my folks' place and set the tarte on the counter. Knowing what went into it I certainly wasn't going to eat much of it. (250g butter, 5 eggs and 300g chocolate to say the least). The result was that it's way too chocolatey and rich. Ah well. Now I have to think of something else to bake the lad if i feel up to it.

Windy autumnal day today. I am so glad i am well stocked on scarves and gloves this year. I will go for a walk and take photos perhaps tomorrow. Today's excitement has been about the start of Nanowrimo 2009 soon.

I am about to write my third novel, but this time i want to write something worthy of publication. Nano is great fun and it means i get to have a little bit of a varied social life for November as I attend write in with other would be novelists. Mum treated me to a nano tshirt this year too. Check out www.nanowrimo.com