Tuesday, 21 December 2010

The Return

Posted by Violet Cream at precisely 1:18 am

I've been hiding from you all. Weight has continued to mount and I couldn't face myself let alone others.

So tonight I decided that I am going to have to make another attempt to stave off the unhealthy and plunge back in to eating like a normal person.  I don't want to actually as I am feeling very miserable and shoddy and I'd rather be eating ice cream. I need to be accountable to myself daily. So here it is a redesigned blog and new fighting talk.

In November I went to Paris. I had an interesting time with my then boyfriend. Yet at one point I broke into uncontrollable sobbing after a day walking round the city. There are few fat people in Paris, other than tourists, we stick out a mile almost literally. The busy metro meant I had to breathe in and was a hinderance to other, my legs chaffed during long walks and I found walking exhausting as I haven't exercised for an eternity.  We went by train because I didn't want to squeeze into a plane seat. A train was easier. My whole life is restrictions still and so I have been eating to numb that sense of something. There was so much self esteem tied up in those sobs.

The boyfriend is no longer the boyfriend but we are great friends. I decided to join a dating website to see if I'd get any takers- none. It's been like a nose dive: No one contacts me, no one responds to my intelligent emails.  In many ways I feel abnormal and tonight so far from being a woman.

I'm back. 

5 delightful comment/s:

Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher on 21/12/10 2:04 am said...

I'm glad you're back, Violet!

I love the new layout. I gained alot of weight back in the past three months and it's been hard. About men? I don't know. For me, it's been hard to feel datable and even attractive because of the weight I've gained. And how sorry I feel for myself. However, I weighed this much last time and was really confident boy wise. I even went after one! ha! So I've learnt that it's all about my piece of mind. And that the boys will be there when I'm ready. I never ever want to feel like I'm not good enough, like I'm not a gem. So I'm not dating right now. Be well :)

Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher on 21/12/10 2:05 am said...

* not "last time", BUT "last year"

Katie J on 21/12/10 5:10 pm said...

Violet!!! I was so happy to see your comment on Alexia's blog! I have been thinking about you and wondering what happened to you.

I know it sucks but you are here and that is a BIG step in the right direction. You are bright, beautiful, intelligent and charming and you deserve happiness and health :) Let's make 2011 a GREAT year!

Lou on 22/12/10 1:18 am said...

So pleased to see you back! Was wondering if you were OK. Sorry to hear about your trip to Paris, great that you're still friends with exBF and someone will come along when the time is right. I found my man online :) - I have faith! Can't wait to see your updates xx

Beth @ Kitchen Minions on 22/12/10 3:11 am said...

You're back! Yay! I'm sorry things aren't going so well right now. I met my husband online and I have to say, I got fewer responses than my thin counterparts. But, when it comes down to it, THe right guy loved me for who I am, part of me felt like the internet sloughed off guys that wouldn't be interested in me because of my weight. So, I got fewer responses but I still went on dates and I still met my husband, it just took longer!


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