The Return

I've been hiding from you all. Weight has continued to mount and I couldn't face myself let alone others.

So tonight I decided that I am going to have to make another attempt to stave off the unhealthy and plunge back in to eating like a normal person.  I don't want to actually as I am feeling very miserable and shoddy and I'd rather be eating ice cream. I need to be accountable to myself daily. So here it is a redesigned blog and new fighting talk.

In November I went to Paris. I had an interesting time with my then boyfriend. Yet at one point I broke into uncontrollable sobbing after a day walking round the city. There are few fat people in Paris, other than tourists, we stick out a mile almost literally. The busy metro meant I had to breathe in and was a hinderance to other, my legs chaffed during long walks and I found walking exhausting as I haven't exercised for an eternity.  We went by train because I didn't want to squeeze into a plane seat. A train was easier. My whole life is restrictions still and so I have been eating to numb that sense of something. There was so much self esteem tied up in those sobs.

The boyfriend is no longer the boyfriend but we are great friends. I decided to join a dating website to see if I'd get any takers- none. It's been like a nose dive: No one contacts me, no one responds to my intelligent emails.  In many ways I feel abnormal and tonight so far from being a woman.

I'm back.