Sunday, 22 November 2009

Book Longings and another day 1

Posted by Violet Cream at precisely 7:50 pm
Tonight I believe myself to be the most miserable person on the planet today. Wherefore springs this drama? all of you cry in unison, like a Greek chorus...

I am sulking like a child. There are five second hand diet books lying around in Canada and America that I want to get my mitts on. I believe that these books will spur me on to great things during the month of December and kick start my diet afresh (again!). I will have to wait 5 days before I can order them and then 3 weeks before they arrive. I picture Americans buying them up at a rapid pace to counter act Thanksgiving. ( Please if you are in America or Canada do not buy any weight loss memoirs from cheap book outlets-pay full price. Do not deprive me of my much needed kick in the teeth from someone elses success story.)

My weight is a central issue for everyone around me. My mum is commenting on my eating habits daily as is my father, " you have an eating disorder". Mum has lost two stones (that's 28 lbs) and is now a preacher for the slim world. " all you need to do is eat less" Thank you for that pearl of wisom sweet mama! Even my sweet man has said how worried he is. In reality they need not say a word as I am the one most worried.
I worry that this thing is larger than I am. That I will not be able to handle anything. I see myself in a fire unable to be stretchered out of a building because i am too heavy. I am scared and very angry and disappointed and sad and grieving. All these emotions rolled into one lump of fear. What hurts the most is that even when I am shovelling food into my mouth I have not got the ability to put down the food. I found myself urging my other self to put down a chicken mcnugget. I simply couldn't the other week.

Today I have eaten 3 meals and 2 snacks. The portions were huge. There has been no bingeing in between meals. God I am ashamed to say I'm back to basics. Cupboards are lined with easy cook rice , cheese, crackers and cakes. I don't need any of it but my un named emotions turn me there.

My parents are looking after the neighbour's Old English sheep dog. I could go out and walk her but I have chosen to sit indoors write my novel- just 8 thousand words left- and then pour over someone else's success story. I need stories of hope so I will turn to my fellow's blog.

4 delightful comment/s:

MackAttack on 22/11/09 9:58 pm said...

which books do you want? There are some good ones out there. Good luck with your novel.

Tricia on 23/11/09 12:12 am said...

Hi, sorry to hear you're feeling so discouraged.

I have lost 109 pounds so far this year (I started in Jan.), and I wish I could give you the secret to my success. But there isn't a "secret".

It's about making the commitment to yourself to LOVE yourself. One tiny step, one simple change at a time adds up to huge things. I started out simply walking and eating more fruits/veggies. Those simple changes set off a chain reaction.

Good luck and please message me if you need anything.

Lou on 23/11/09 2:58 am said...

I can't claim to be part of the 'slim brigade' but agree with Tricia - when I start feeling in a funk I have to try and remind myself that I'm worth it and remember how fantastic it feels to have those small successes and know that the food I'm about to put in my mouth is trying to sabotage that feeling...so good to see you post again...hang in there chook!

Stella on 23/11/09 7:55 am said...

Thank you for your lovely messages.They are really appreciated.

 

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