Stood up

I've just binged on half a block of Cadbury's caramel, a rolo pot and a bag of fudge. The reason I was stood up on a date for the first time ever.

I'm beyond angry. I was meant to meet this gentleman at 5pm in my local. I arrived in the crowded pub at 4.45pm and sat by the door looking like a lost soul. I drank rum and coke then I moved onto a bottle of Aspell cider. People moved my spare chair away. In the end I gave in and ordered a burger made with caramelised red onions and grilled goats cheese, served with chips. No sign of my date. I went home and gorged myself.

What people don't see when they stand you up is the great lengths you go to to make the place look hospitable and the efforts you make with dress and grooming and so on. I spent half of my income per week on a pair of shoes for the date, which meant that my rent will be late. Really damned well not worth it, so thank you mr stander upper.

I'm angry and upset and I have rejection issues. Feel like shit.

Haywire

The Dietician's advice is being hard to follow. Who would have thought that three regular meals a day and three fruit snacks could be so difficult? I've wanted to eat everything in sight this week, I haven't done the leg work to explore the reasons behind this.

Having spent the last of my funds on petrol I haven't been able to afford to go and do yoga. Nor have I driven to beauty spots to walk. Take away exercise, add in emotional uncertainty and you have a wide scale humanitarian crisp disaster.

I have been skipping meals too and trying to replace them with junk. The other night I munched my way through a bag of kettle chips. I opened the bag and was appauled by the mountain of fried potato but i still could not over ride the hand to mouth experience.

Slipped into some socks at my flat the other night-with cupcakes-it seemed fitting given that on Sunday I took myself off into town and had an orange hot chocolate and a cupcake there. Monday I bought coffee cupcakes from the late shop. They didn't taste great but they were what I thought I wanted. I'm worried my socks are subliminal advertising.

The great news is that my mother has seen the light in her house and has banished all crisps, cakes and chocolates from their cupboard so there are no temptations left for me except the fruit bowl whilst i'm visiting.

Forays into Dating Land

Someone out there will be wondering where i've been. I shall tell you.

January was all full of optimism for international internet love. February found me disheartened. So it is in March that I make my way into the land of internet dating with the intention of finding a local mate for New Year's Eve(or Bonfire night all the better!)

So Friday found me very sweaty palmed sitting in the bar of the arts cinema in Sheffield supping a large latte. Finally initiated into dating land through coffee, panini and conversation.

Lake walk

Friday was a glorious day, the sun shone more strongly than it has for a while. I took pictures of crocuses in the centre of town then I took myself further afield as promised and walked round a small tourist lake. The drive there across the moors was exhilerating.

There is something calming about a stretch of water, rowers and sailers dipping oars into the water, birds twisting through trees. A woman on horseback came along the path and there was the echoing lull of clip clopping hoofs on a track. I felt like an adventurer. Food control was easy all was right with the world.

Saturday I awoke to the sound of my radio tuned for lively music for a while. I lay in bed feeling the comforting weight of the duvet. Saturday turned out to be not a great day for a few reasons, none of which i'll go into here. Disappointment found me eating a homemade bun for comfort. It was temporary. I felt horrid afterwards, but it didn't stop me. I ate beyond my meals, beyond my fruit snacks and I continued. Eating feelings is no way to live, why do I continue to do it?

Reflections on yoga

I have been reviewing my blog. What a catalogue of food obsession eaten and not eaten over a year! This particular blog has been dedicated to the joy of yoga, by way of a change.

Last night, I sat outside the studio full of dread of moving my body, I felt tired and with the only desire to lie supine on the yoga mat and fall asleep. The leisure centre corridor was quiet and it would have been easy for me to slip away back to the car park. It was a little like waiting for a doctor's appointment, which you know will be beneficial in the end. Other victims soon arrived and we chatted about yoga related things, afraid to branch out.

The door was opened and the throng hurried in, in order to bag a good yoga mat and a good space in the studio. It always amazes me how the oldest move quickest in these situations!

The studio was warm and smelled of school halls. I lay on my blue sticky yoga mat and waited for the teacher to arrive. There is something comforting about being in the hands of an experienced teacher. She arrived smiling with her file of that night's yoga positions full of enthusiasm, whilst she rolled out her mat and beamed at everyone.

I have two yoga teachers. This particular one is on themes at the minute- last weeks was the joy of diagonal movements tonight's theme was bends. So we lay down in the corpse position, a position which i can hold for hours. I sometimes wish the whole session was like that. Spine touching floor, eyes closed, lights dimmed.

We then bent a lot. Not before she tried a wacky shiatsu massage on ourselves, starting with our fingertips on our head like raindrops, patting out arms, rubbing our tummies, hitting our bottoms and rubbing our thighs. There was partner work- we had to lightly hit the back of our partner. I got the fragile yet speedy elderly lady- it's odd touching a stranger. It was the weirdest thing I've ever done in a yoga class.

So we bent. It was hard and required concentration, the sort that maths and art also requires. Which arm goes where? How do i get my leg there?

So my muscles were stretched and challenged and they felt great- I felt great. Then it was time for the corpse position again. Lying down with warm layers on, listening to a visual meditation about being on the beach and then floating in the sea. Lights on. Home time.

The feeling of having done a yoga session is amazing. You don't feel like you've done any work because you recall the relaxation and the desire to sleep. Yet your muscles have been worked and are much much stronger.

I'm addicted to my two sessions a week, plus extra practise at home. Its a really peculiar thing how some moves are easy yet others are challenging. The body develops unique habits so that each individual struggles with different things. It's certainly no team sport, which I abhor.

I'm off for a walk this afternoon, further afield than normal, the sun is shining and it's a glorious day.

Double Trouble

Ok so today was odd. I spent it at the art project which was great but I ate fruit because there was no bread to be had in our cupboard.It was like poverty hall. On returning home I ate 4 crackers with philly light.

Given the bad planning of lunch I decided to eat out. So I ate pizza just a small portion. I congratulated myself on my restraint and modesty of my meal. All was great until i returned to my parent's house.

I realised mum had cooked for me and my dinner was awaiting me in the oven. Four different veg and steak! Bloody marvellous! So rather than hurting her feelings I ate it. I am loathing this eating business when I really don't feel like eating. How did I manage to cram food down my gullet? Do i regard my second meal as a snack and abandon tonight's fruit? I think I better had!

Birthday Joys

This three meals a day with three snacks in between is certainly working. Not eating desserts is also sounding like a doddle since i have been following it 5 whole days!

Had such a great week. Went out for my birthday(36th)on Friday and ate starter (not really required) and main course. My main course - homemade burger- was served with a lighted candle in the wholemeal bun. It was decadent and filling and I left lots of food because i was full. I said no to dessert because I had eaten the cupcake in place of my first fruit snack that morning! I had one mouthful of dessert my mum shared(almost didnt because it was too delicious) with my dad. It was delicious but enough to know what it tasted like- I knew i was full.

Thursday I had been to the hairdressers and had a cut and colour. Received compliments this morning about looking so well dressed and colourful! So much so im inspired to wear lipstick again next week and make a bit of an effort...Went out to a concert over the weekend too. Got to love a bit of modern scottish folk...