I'm at the local library. I've spotted two diet guides that I'd quite like to take out but am I bold enough to actually walk up to the front desk and hand them over. It's silly I know but I pretend I'm not fat and that people won't notice until I pick up a book that screams I'm fat. Ah the lies we tell ourselves! I will take both books out.
Completed "My Life In France" last night and it is a well written joy- a total gem of a book and huge swathes of its character go into the film Julie and Julia which, I've seen and enjoyed immensely. I then promptly picked up Powell's "Julie and Julia" and was disappointed for the most, there are some charming parts but on the whole it pales in comparison to the first. In my opinion, this is partly due to the lack of focus on the food, as well as her obsession with sex and swearing. Perhaps I'm an English prude...
Last night I eventually got on the scales. Hold your breath. 334lbs. I panicked again.Weight loss this year zero. Not strictly true given that I have both lost and gained weight. This morning I got on the scales again and was rewarded by instant weight loss to 331lbs just by writing Christmas cards in the middle of the night!
Breakfast was a treat today- poached blackberries and french toast using brioche. It was indulgent but very filling. Lunch was leek and potato soup. Tonight's feast will be chicken and rice in a sauce, unless I dine elsewhere. There will be no in between meals. If I suceed I will post the pictures of my food tonight or tomorrow.
Monday, 30 November 2009
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Softening blows
I have spent the day swearing over soft furnishings as I learnt the art of adding a zip. How the hell did mankind get zips into clothes in the first place! I cursed over my small sewing machine and eyelet/grimlet machine thwacker; the final result was my retro cushion, slightly mawkish and twee, but it somehow works.
Being totally engrossed in a complex task is the only time when I don't think about food. I made it until 10pm this evening before considering food that wasn't intended for the day. I pondered denying all cravings but decided a small and I mean small portion of chocolate would surfice, so I headed to the garage shop and bought some along with milk and garlic.
Now I have started reading Julia Childs " My Life in France", which I will follow up with Julie Powell's "Julie and Julia" so I shall be temptingly steeped in French life and cuisine for the next few days or so. I am finding the words a joy. Reading hasn't been so heavily part of my life for such a long time that I make a welcome return to it. It's like a bowl of warm stewed plums- thick and velvety with a hint of sweetness.
A spoonful...
On Thursday night the man friend caught me out.
As he was watching a documentary in the lounge I decided to heat up my mum's chicken casserole. I was in the kitchen making sure all was heating through ok when I decided to have a peak in the cupboards. I found the box of icing sugar, powdered sugar in the states, and I decided to eat a spoonful.
It was so sweet and heady that I dived back into the packet. I was leaning on the kitchen counter packet in hand spoon shoved in my mouth with the other when my boyfriend chose that moment to come to the kitchen and impart a precious fact to me. He was aghast and disappointed that I was shovelling sugar in my mouth behind the world's back.
Secret eating is part of my problem. If I eat in secret it's like I'm not eating at all, false logic but I will say anything to ply myself with the goods.
Today however was more measured. Hardly remembered to eat again today as I hunted for bargain presents and a magazine. Came home and started making a cushion on a small sewing machine that I bought 2 years ago. Pretty damned impressed with myself and my new found interest in the domestic. My lines were wonky as I stiched shapes onto rough calico but it was fun to be in charge of a sewing machine! I hardly had time to look up from my cup of tea.
As he was watching a documentary in the lounge I decided to heat up my mum's chicken casserole. I was in the kitchen making sure all was heating through ok when I decided to have a peak in the cupboards. I found the box of icing sugar, powdered sugar in the states, and I decided to eat a spoonful.
It was so sweet and heady that I dived back into the packet. I was leaning on the kitchen counter packet in hand spoon shoved in my mouth with the other when my boyfriend chose that moment to come to the kitchen and impart a precious fact to me. He was aghast and disappointed that I was shovelling sugar in my mouth behind the world's back.
Secret eating is part of my problem. If I eat in secret it's like I'm not eating at all, false logic but I will say anything to ply myself with the goods.
Today however was more measured. Hardly remembered to eat again today as I hunted for bargain presents and a magazine. Came home and started making a cushion on a small sewing machine that I bought 2 years ago. Pretty damned impressed with myself and my new found interest in the domestic. My lines were wonky as I stiched shapes onto rough calico but it was fun to be in charge of a sewing machine! I hardly had time to look up from my cup of tea.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Simple Dental Check up.
Today I appeared at the dentist slap-bang-on-time and was seated in the padded dental chair two minutes later, there not being a queue of unwilling patients to delay me.
I brought with me my beautiful enamel crown which fell off a month ago after a run in with some toffee. (That will teach me). One dentist had already failed to fit the crown so my dentist duly tried. No luck. I would need a new crown as the tooth had moved. (Did it leave a forwarding address?) "Do you have time for me to fit a temporary crown?" he said an innocuous grin across his chops.
When he needle-wielded his large syringe I was surprised. Surely all that drilling and injecting had been done last time? No. I was in for a mouth feeling like I had had B list celeb cosmetic surgery. Forty five minutes later I skipped out unable to eat anything. Dental visits do have some advantages I muttered under my breath.
Somehow I'd switched the lounge heater off too so the flat was cold on my return. The village library was shut so I hot footed it over to the next public library which was just as closed. Escaped to the cake ridden world of my parents and designed a cover for my novel using a very nifty photo package. Printed out my winners certificate and felt quite depressed I wasn't writing, had a nap and somewhere a long the way I forgot to eat in between meals. It just wasn't necessary. Puzzled by this turn of events I am about to go window shopping with a quid in my purse. Glorious day!
I brought with me my beautiful enamel crown which fell off a month ago after a run in with some toffee. (That will teach me). One dentist had already failed to fit the crown so my dentist duly tried. No luck. I would need a new crown as the tooth had moved. (Did it leave a forwarding address?) "Do you have time for me to fit a temporary crown?" he said an innocuous grin across his chops.
When he needle-wielded his large syringe I was surprised. Surely all that drilling and injecting had been done last time? No. I was in for a mouth feeling like I had had B list celeb cosmetic surgery. Forty five minutes later I skipped out unable to eat anything. Dental visits do have some advantages I muttered under my breath.
Somehow I'd switched the lounge heater off too so the flat was cold on my return. The village library was shut so I hot footed it over to the next public library which was just as closed. Escaped to the cake ridden world of my parents and designed a cover for my novel using a very nifty photo package. Printed out my winners certificate and felt quite depressed I wasn't writing, had a nap and somewhere a long the way I forgot to eat in between meals. It just wasn't necessary. Puzzled by this turn of events I am about to go window shopping with a quid in my purse. Glorious day!
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Novelist claims literary prize
Ok I am dreaming somewhat but I have wonderful news to impart; I have finished the first rough draft of my novel and am giving myself five days off before I start rewriting huge chunks of it. It has been a most marvellous novelling experience again this month
Fictional worlds are wonderful - not one of the characters really excercises and they eat junk food when they feel like it and drink large quantities yet they still remain bodily perfect. I am envious of their near perfect world other than the disasters which befall them all.
Today I have been patchy with my eating habits but I was writing for a deadline. Tomorrow all will be as usual. I will be in line with my new water meter, which will measure everything and be cost saving.
That chap of mine was having hysterics this evening at the vision of me using a trampoline. He says he will keep me guessing for weeks but I am delighted he found my bouncing self amusing. Wait until i have the sleekness of a panther.
As well as my writing success i managed to deftly avoid a tub of pringles in the house and did not go out and buy my own either. Small victories count!
Fictional worlds are wonderful - not one of the characters really excercises and they eat junk food when they feel like it and drink large quantities yet they still remain bodily perfect. I am envious of their near perfect world other than the disasters which befall them all.
Today I have been patchy with my eating habits but I was writing for a deadline. Tomorrow all will be as usual. I will be in line with my new water meter, which will measure everything and be cost saving.
That chap of mine was having hysterics this evening at the vision of me using a trampoline. He says he will keep me guessing for weeks but I am delighted he found my bouncing self amusing. Wait until i have the sleekness of a panther.
As well as my writing success i managed to deftly avoid a tub of pringles in the house and did not go out and buy my own either. Small victories count!
Monday, 23 November 2009
Positive actions.
I'm in a better state of mind today. I'm up ludicrously early and have already bashed out 1,500 words of the novel. Killing the arrogant radio star, Andrew Timms, in my novel was a real treat it practically wrote itself. Six thousand five hundred left before i can type The End!
Breakfast was cereal and 4 water crackers. Don't ask me why i needed the water crackers as well I think something crunchy aliviates nervous energy. See I have an excuse for everything!
My feelings are less bleak today. I have made a commitment to be kind to myself all day. This means that I will look after what I put in my body and take myself out for a walk. Hell I may even take the dog out and throw devil may care attitude to the rain. Plus I am going to apply for a job I saw advertised. Applying means contacting my old boss to ask for a reference, something which I don't much relish. Still It needs to be done if I am to stay away from the cupboards. The honey says i need a lock on the fridge. The human love machine says a lot of things.
Yet he was all sympathy last night about my abject misery and my need for books (Confessions of a Carb Queen/ Passing for Thin/Secrets of a Former Fat Girl/The Incredible Shrinking Critic/Confessions of a Reformed Dieter. ) Then he hinted at my Christmas present, which is something that should help my weight loss somehow. I'm all perplexed. Normally men are so transparent at gift buying but this one seems to have a trick up his sleeve. If it's a trampoline, hula hoop or skipping rope he is barking up the wrong tree and a trial separation may be in order! (Just so you know, love!)
Breakfast was cereal and 4 water crackers. Don't ask me why i needed the water crackers as well I think something crunchy aliviates nervous energy. See I have an excuse for everything!
My feelings are less bleak today. I have made a commitment to be kind to myself all day. This means that I will look after what I put in my body and take myself out for a walk. Hell I may even take the dog out and throw devil may care attitude to the rain. Plus I am going to apply for a job I saw advertised. Applying means contacting my old boss to ask for a reference, something which I don't much relish. Still It needs to be done if I am to stay away from the cupboards. The honey says i need a lock on the fridge. The human love machine says a lot of things.
Yet he was all sympathy last night about my abject misery and my need for books (Confessions of a Carb Queen/ Passing for Thin/Secrets of a Former Fat Girl/The Incredible Shrinking Critic/Confessions of a Reformed Dieter. ) Then he hinted at my Christmas present, which is something that should help my weight loss somehow. I'm all perplexed. Normally men are so transparent at gift buying but this one seems to have a trick up his sleeve. If it's a trampoline, hula hoop or skipping rope he is barking up the wrong tree and a trial separation may be in order! (Just so you know, love!)
Sunday, 22 November 2009
Book Longings and another day 1
Tonight I believe myself to be the most miserable person on the planet today. Wherefore springs this drama? all of you cry in unison, like a Greek chorus...
I am sulking like a child. There are five second hand diet books lying around in Canada and America that I want to get my mitts on. I believe that these books will spur me on to great things during the month of December and kick start my diet afresh (again!). I will have to wait 5 days before I can order them and then 3 weeks before they arrive. I picture Americans buying them up at a rapid pace to counter act Thanksgiving. ( Please if you are in America or Canada do not buy any weight loss memoirs from cheap book outlets-pay full price. Do not deprive me of my much needed kick in the teeth from someone elses success story.)
My weight is a central issue for everyone around me. My mum is commenting on my eating habits daily as is my father, " you have an eating disorder". Mum has lost two stones (that's 28 lbs) and is now a preacher for the slim world. " all you need to do is eat less" Thank you for that pearl of wisom sweet mama! Even my sweet man has said how worried he is. In reality they need not say a word as I am the one most worried.
I worry that this thing is larger than I am. That I will not be able to handle anything. I see myself in a fire unable to be stretchered out of a building because i am too heavy. I am scared and very angry and disappointed and sad and grieving. All these emotions rolled into one lump of fear. What hurts the most is that even when I am shovelling food into my mouth I have not got the ability to put down the food. I found myself urging my other self to put down a chicken mcnugget. I simply couldn't the other week.
Today I have eaten 3 meals and 2 snacks. The portions were huge. There has been no bingeing in between meals. God I am ashamed to say I'm back to basics. Cupboards are lined with easy cook rice , cheese, crackers and cakes. I don't need any of it but my un named emotions turn me there.
My parents are looking after the neighbour's Old English sheep dog. I could go out and walk her but I have chosen to sit indoors write my novel- just 8 thousand words left- and then pour over someone else's success story. I need stories of hope so I will turn to my fellow's blog.
I am sulking like a child. There are five second hand diet books lying around in Canada and America that I want to get my mitts on. I believe that these books will spur me on to great things during the month of December and kick start my diet afresh (again!). I will have to wait 5 days before I can order them and then 3 weeks before they arrive. I picture Americans buying them up at a rapid pace to counter act Thanksgiving. ( Please if you are in America or Canada do not buy any weight loss memoirs from cheap book outlets-pay full price. Do not deprive me of my much needed kick in the teeth from someone elses success story.)
My weight is a central issue for everyone around me. My mum is commenting on my eating habits daily as is my father, " you have an eating disorder". Mum has lost two stones (that's 28 lbs) and is now a preacher for the slim world. " all you need to do is eat less" Thank you for that pearl of wisom sweet mama! Even my sweet man has said how worried he is. In reality they need not say a word as I am the one most worried.
I worry that this thing is larger than I am. That I will not be able to handle anything. I see myself in a fire unable to be stretchered out of a building because i am too heavy. I am scared and very angry and disappointed and sad and grieving. All these emotions rolled into one lump of fear. What hurts the most is that even when I am shovelling food into my mouth I have not got the ability to put down the food. I found myself urging my other self to put down a chicken mcnugget. I simply couldn't the other week.
Today I have eaten 3 meals and 2 snacks. The portions were huge. There has been no bingeing in between meals. God I am ashamed to say I'm back to basics. Cupboards are lined with easy cook rice , cheese, crackers and cakes. I don't need any of it but my un named emotions turn me there.
My parents are looking after the neighbour's Old English sheep dog. I could go out and walk her but I have chosen to sit indoors write my novel- just 8 thousand words left- and then pour over someone else's success story. I need stories of hope so I will turn to my fellow's blog.
Monday, 2 November 2009
I start another novel
So far all is well today. I have stuck to a food plan and i feel bright and more cheery.
I've had a really social time this weekend. Went out for a meal on halloween, eating only starters because everyone was too afraid to get up for more! Then had a rather large bottle of cider at the bar and then staggered over to the Library theatre to watch a Brecht play. All very delightful, especially as i travelled back on the bus sitting near to snow white and little red riding hood and a man with blue hair and an eye patch- the regular crowd on my bus route.
Posts will be really sketchy this month as I am participating in the yearly challenge of NANO. It is National Novel Writing Month and where participants get to write the novel/s they always dreamt of. See www.nanowrimo.org for details, donations or sign up for yourself.
I'm hoping i'll be so busy writing that I will forget to eat (as if).
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