Attractive Meltdown

I was in a bit of a state last night. It happens every now and again. You know those moments of pure self loathing because you are fat?

Usually when i'm in company I chat to most people and can be boisterous at times with the nervous energy i sometimes get. Other times I just feel like i am the world's least attractive and uninteresting person. Of course it happens to most of us at some point in our lives and i'm glad to say my gremlins rarely jump up and catch me. But last night they did. I loathe with a vengeange the way you get ignored or stared at as a larger person. There is no blending in except when you are seen by some members of the opposite sex as some freak like object. I don't often think like this and i know that this fear is in a lot of women.


It's odd how these feelings creep up on you. As far as food and exercise are concerned I am walking a smooth path. I haven't eaten between meals, I don't eat after my meal and i don't eat dessert unless its an apple or an orange etc. I know i am loosing weight this week. So why do my emotions try to sabotage me?

Any responses welcome to this odd question.

Red Sky

I've had near perfect food nutrition for three days; It feels fabulous.

Took a long walk around town and then the city yesterday. Another walk today. I would have gone swimming but i'm totally out of funds 'til Monday.

Tuesday evening was a delight. My parents ate syrup spounge puddings after dinner and I sat there with an apple and clemetine beyond happy. I love days like this when the urge to make slim decisions comes easily.

I've printed off a calendar and I'm back to daily weigh ins, being on the sclaes reinforces what i am doing each day.

Wednesday I ate out but stuck to coffee, water and bicardi and diet coke, rather than cider or fruit smoothies.

Swim, babe, swim.

Some conversations make you realise what you are doing wrong. I had one such conversation last night.

It did start with the you have a pretty face but routine, but rather than being patronising the voice was honest and served as that time honoured wake up call. Time to get real.

Although walking is good for my health I think it is time to crank up the pace and variety of activity and not wait until I join the gym. So today I went to my local pool and had a wonderful workout for an hour. I know it was good because my legs felt wobblier and heavier on my way to the changing rooms. I felt marvellous afterwards, I still do three hours later.

The conversation last night wasn't just about exercise but diet too. I was advised to have a salad for dinner and eat nothing after 6pm. Whilst this seems really harsh there is some sense in it. So here is my new agreement. I will eat my evening meal at the usual time, will skip dessert and nothing will touch my lips until breakfast the next day. How does that sound? There I said it! Now I have to do it no excuses, no procrastination.

The only other sage advice from my "get with it guru" was to buy some trainers and tracksuit bottoms and to keep moving(i'll ignore the "stop writing the blog" bit.)

New Goal for Christmas Period

So it's practically Christmas so I have decided to set myself some weight goals over the festive period. Watch my tracker move this year!

Writing Goal Achieved.

I have finished the first draft of my current novel and I must say that I am really delighted to have finished the project again one week infront of the tight deadline. I love successes like this. It reminds me that all things are possible if you set yourself an achievable goal and stick to it. It sounds like psychobabble but it was how it worked.

I finished the novel with a small daily word count. All I need is steady and slow weight loss. The problem is with writing a long piece you get to see the length of the body of work growing although you don't always see weight shrinking.

My dieting goals seem to waver slightly depending on my mood, or what book i've read on weight loss research that week. So i guess i need to reformulate what they actually are. My attitude has been patchy on exercise to say the least and my eating patterns have swung in and out of control. My bloody cat manages it easy enough.

Rum and diet coke

Wednesday night. I was meant to have it all sorted, I only had a small amount to spend and i would if i could stick to rum and coke.

First i was tempted by the homemade cake and coffee offer for £2.50. I thought that if i had cake i wouldn't feel the need to eat an evening meal. The coffee was delishious. Proper damned coffee it was really worth it.

Then I got hungry. So I scoured the city for food. I considered ordering burritos but the choice was so overwhelming. I decided on a fine pizza from Pizza Express. I ordered the padana- goats cheese and caramelised onions and spinach.

Of course eating set me up for drinking so i started on the rum and coke but it was notoriously expensive so i was back on the cider ( oh lord).

Footpaths and eggs

I eventually got my ass in gear and went on the walk i was putting off. I decided not to go hill walking in the dark as the place is scary at the best of times as is the reservoir in the fading light. So I ate dinner and mused about where to go. Then it came to me in an instant. I should head down the road, with walking boots and treat it like i would anyother walk. This proved to be a great policy so i walked for nearly an hour down my road, which shows me that exercise need not be in fancy places, even though i prefer them.
The road is straight and down a gentle slope on the way down and obviously slopes back up. I was even over taken by two joggers and two cyclists on my route showing you that there are savy exercisers out there. What did put me off was when the road hit 60miles per hour and the pavement disappeared. That was a cue for me to turn back. I am not fool hardy.

After my walk i was ready for bed so i tucked myself in at 8pm. Such is the single life! This meant that i was awakenened at the crack of dawn with my stomach demanding breakfast; so I treated it. I managed to make a fine fayre of scrambled eggs and toast. Lunch is already in a "hello kitty" container in the fridge. Can life get any better?

Nutrition

Started the day with porride made from oats and water and spiced the thing up with cinnamon, a spice which is meant to increase your metabolism. It was sublime washed down with a glass of juice. Lunch was home made mushroom soup with zero additives and granary bread and dinner will be pumpkin pasta followed by a clementine.

I'm cossetted at the library avoiding walking whilst it goes dark... I must make a move soon or i will be extremely scared on the hill.

Joined up this blog with www.3fatchicks.com which is a really worth while site, crammed with likeminded people all making an effort to better themselves.

Night Walk

Friday was pure bliss. I was able to walk round the reservoir for an hour and had no groin strain at all. It was so relaxing to walk in the afternoon as the light was fading. The sun set as i was heading back to the car.

I have had a sociable weekend chatting to friends online and it has rained most of that time. But it looks as if i will be out tomorrow if the weather remains dry.

Today, I bought yet another guide to food/dieting, which i read with keen interest suspecting that there might be things in there which i didn't know. Sadly there was a paucity of new science despite the nicely packaged prose.

It did how ever remind me that fresh food is really where nutricion is at. So I cleaned out my fridge and bought some fruit and veg in. I managed to pick up a punnet of very late blackcurrants from the farm shop up the road they were expensive, more than a bar of chocolate, but boy were they good. Also blended a banana with milk, the most palatable way to digest the buggers.

I'm looking forward to the combined challenge of walk and healthy food tomorrow.

(word count on my novel is 39k. just 11k more to go)

Walk

November. It's cool and overcast but i have a merino wool jumper on and a scarf. I have my thick socks and my beanie hat and walking boots in the car ready to go. I will go walking to day... drum roll please.

I was scared by a picture posted on ye olde evening telegraph's website. The picture shows an over weight groom shovelling food into his overweight bride's face. It's the sort of picture that you want to shout, "stop eating crap". Of course then i have to reflect on my own unsavoury habits of recent months.

I have also bitten the bullet and asked my gp if he would refer me to a dietician. I need help to shift the weight now and if there are professionals out there then use them right? I'm also considering taking up an initiative to lose weight by joining the local gym and having a personal trainer. I have reflected on this year already. I have not gained any weight but I have not lost any either, and there are no medical reasons why i can't lose weight.

I have been reflecting on attractiveness too. But i'll save these musings for another day.

November Update

I'm back briefly to keep you updated on my general health etc.

November saw time for a new haircut I was beginning to look like a woolly mammoth, with hair straying everywhere. It's amazing what a cute cut can do for your confidence. I have been swinging my head left right and centre for some time this weekend. The colour looks fantastic.

November is also time for my annual writing fest of Nanowrimo. See www.nanowrimo.org for more details of my stupidity. This is where i sign up to write another novel in a month. (23 k already under my belt folks.)This means that for November I will be casting aside blog or other commitments until my word count is sufficiently high for me to consider other things.

The whole process is rather fun. There is the challenge of writing everday and there is the social aspect of meeting other writers on a Wednesday night in Manchester for a giggle, a pint and some food.

Last week I went shopping and bought a pair of jeans again for the first time in ages. They were £5.00. Yes they were very tight and pushed all my waist upwards, but give me a couple of months and i'll fit into the demon pair of thick comfortable brown cotton.

The sitting down and writing in a cold house does me no good at all. I find that junk food has started to creep back into my diet. So here I will state my claim to stick to three meals per day with no junk in between. I'm going to go home and give my house a thorough bloody clean today. No excuses. And then there's the thorny issue of walking.

I have not been walking for exercise purposes for a month. I have been resting my groin injury. But this like the junk will have to be side lined in favour of a healthy diet. You heard it first here.