Rain stops play

It's raining today. Big thick lumps of wetness. A walk was impossible or was it?

Rainy days are perfect for indoor shopping. So I walked round an indoor shopping centre, which included Borders and I purchased a shed load more diet books. If I could lose loads by buying things I would have done. My Canadian friend sent me an online article about the fact that fat people are more likely to hoarde objects than minimalistic slim people. It may be true. I collect books, craft items and scarfs like there will be rationning on them soon. Buying things, eating things makes you feel comfortable for a short while.

I also popped into department store for the "plus" sized woman. I picked up a swimsuit.
"Are you going on holiday, Chick?" the shop assisstant enquired.
"No, " was my reply, "it's for exercise."
"Good for you," she said, " It's more than I'm doing."
So there you have it if it rains I get to go swimming and get wetter. I'm not bothered about being the fattest lump at the pool as I won't wear my glasses in the pool so I can't actually see people staring at me on the way in and out of the pool. Perfect. Let everyone else object to fat woman in a new swimming costume, not that they'll be bothered by me worrying about their own thighs.

Post Birthday Blues

The theme for today is accountability. I faced my bank balance and my weight. Actually it's easier once you know the true figures because then you are forced to do something about them. I have taken action with my finances today. The weight was measured and noted.

I find facing up to things very very difficult. I have a knot of anxiety in my stomach about my future. Finished off the m and m's I received from America in place of a proper nutricious lunch. Avoided my walk when I found out I had to pay for parking at the country park.

I am deploying all my energy into not sitting and eating through the cake and biscuits. This is my lowest day of the year so far...

Birthday Bliss

Last night as I was going to bed there was an earthquake. Totally mild by world standards but shocking by British ones. Mum apparently lay in bed, her bed shaking, thinking it was my weight and clumsiness that was shaking the boards. Blame me for a sodding earth quake!

Today is my 35th Birthday. There has been no weigh in today. Yes I did enjoy myself. I feasted on roasted duck and a mouthwatering sticky toffee pudding with the most glorious buttery toffee sauce. Then later wine and birthday cake. Do i feel guilty? Not one iota! Walk and minding my weight from tomorrow.

Went shopping for diet books with my birthday money. Came back with a bag stuffed with books and magazines; I will read my way to thinness.

Weigh In 2

I weighed in today. I was back at last week's weight. Damnation-No weight lost. Pizza plays havoc on my system. I got blue breifly then I set off up the hill again putting foot infront of foot.

It was blustery up top. You can see how pink my skin is with the wind. At the top I felt a great sense of exhileration. I am walking. I am active. I am wind tossed...

So I have juxtaposed last night's garlic bread with my other walking hat. How is that for contrast!


Yesterday was a disaster. Any fool could see what was going to happen. I at breakfast late but by 3pm I was starving so I ate soup and bread. By the time we got to the pizza place it was 5pm, so i felt suitably hungry. I was happy to eat half a salad bowl loaded with dressing but after the cheesy garlic bread i did feel slightly covered in an oil slick and actually full.

I know I should have stopped there but then we had a pizza to share. When you've ordered food and finances are tight you can't go rejecting the stuff. It didn't taste as great as i hoped. I ate ignoring my hunger signals. Towards the end of my third slice I abandonded it.Some success.(Why do we celebrate occassions with food? Who says you are happy so feast!)

When I got home I compounded the problem. I wanted something sweet to eat. So I had two biscuits and a slice of cake. I know it's all madness. I know every thing person would be screaming HALT. It had to be washed down so I had an ovaltine with soya milk. Again it didn't taste as pleasant as it might have done. Bed time saved me. I lay in bed for a long time, my stomach began to grow uncomfortable with food. It's the most unpleasant sensation ever. Much worse than hunger actually. My stomach was groaning.

Today I jumped swiftly onto the scales to find out there was another fluctuation upwards. If I'm not careful I wont be recording a loss. Damn it. This process is so hard.

Tonight's Pizza

Biscuit update

With holding from the biscuits. All seems well.

A friend is taking me out for a meal tonight so i'm slightly edgy about piling on the pounds. It seems there are a thousand pitfalls in weight loss. It's like Indiana Jones avoiding an assortment of challenges.

Weight remains the same. I am urging the digital numbers to drop.

Scene from yesterday's walk

Maybe i'm not writing a diet blog at all but a walking guide without useful locations...

What do I gain from being fat?

I was going to show you pics of Tuesday's walk into whiteness today but my laptop button won't switch on. I don't know what's wrong with the damn thing. Let's pray it isn't permenant. So you find me back at my parental pc with less visual shots to hand. I may tease you with the Industrial North I'm not sure yet or a pic of another of my walking hats.

I read a bit of a book again last night, just the closing chapter- I've read it before I'm no turn to the last page freak. The Book is called "Overcoming Emotional Eating". There is a section which asks you to imagine that fat is your "best friend". In other words what benefits do you get from being fat. Then it asks you to imagine being thin and what negative associations that has for you.

I tried to imagine being fatter. Hell I've got an active imagination most of the time. This time nothing came to me. So what do I gain? Possibly attention alongside being brilliantly ignored. I'm quite secretive most days. Mum says I'm like the secret service. Yet here I am confiding in you. I like attention on my terms; retreat is possible whenever i select it. This doesn't answer the question really. It's one i'll work on. Thinness on the negative side I equate with not coping and nerves and worry. So perhaps my weight is to portray an image that i am actually coping and thriving when inwardly i'm not... I'll leave that gem with you.

Biscuit update. My life gets no easier. I returned to my parental home to find mum had ordered dad to get more chocolate biscuits, especially the kind i like (caramel chocolate covered digestives). So I kid you not there are 7and 1/2 packets of chocolate biscuits on the shelf, next to the cake. We could supply a small communist state! It's not will power i tell myself, it's about feeling the hunger. It's good that I have so many biscuits. The Beyond Chocolate website will tell me its a good thing to hoard impossible amounts of never ending food. If only I could invite you all round and you could polish off the blasted things i'd be relieved. Talk about diet sabotage. The power of resistence is strong today.

Brief musings on my undergarments

I have worked out how to get images from my camera onto my parent's pc. See my delightful walking outfit and a picture of a northern cobbles on a street.

This morning I pulled a large pair of violet coloured cotton knickers from my suitcase. Imagine my surprise as I looked at the image on the front of them. It was a cute piece of cake! I had bought them years ago, clearly delighted with the colour and the small illustration. But a cream cake on a fat girl's pair of knickers! Damn those fashion designers were having a gigantic laugh at my expense.

For entertainment yesterday I went browser shopping. Looking at clothes which I could fit into. If only I had money! Thank god for Matalan and TKMAXX. They are my saviours. I have decided not to buy the lucious items on sale as i should be shrinking so it will be a false economy.

My father has bought four packs of chocolate biscuits this morning as they were on special offer. They are all delightful. Will I be tempted to have more than the one I had after my lunch time soup? Of course I would tell you all...

Wherein I venture to a new place

Today's walk had a treat sandwiched in the middle. The treat- a drink at the new cafe which has opened a 25 minute walk up the road!

Dad had warned me to wrap up warm. So i was in 3 major layers comprising of top, hoody and cardigan. The elegant ensemble was topped off with a black woolly hat. I was overly warm. Arriving at the elegant monochromatic cafe. I stood in the enterance looking at the ladies who lunch and smiles wryly. I was the only one without makeup. Some were done up like dog's dinners in amazing outfits. But all expensive and coordinated.

I sat down in a deep leather chair and waited an eternity for the woman to take my drink order. Three cups of peppermint tea later I was people watched out and ready to pay. They had a glorious selection of cakes -tall sophisticated peaks of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles. Thankfully my pecuniary shortfall and my waistline (ha ha like you can see my waist!) said no.


The walk back was mostly uneventful apart from the fact that I was overtaken by a pensioner who definately outwalked me. My glow of achievement was lost for a short while.

Weight Tracker

I was asked a strange question today. Am I losing or gaining weight? Of course the answer is I'm losing. That's obvious isn't it? I know I've neglected the scales for too long but i am meant to shrink during this new regime, hence the title of the blog.

Yesterday we all received the shocking news of my weight. Today I weighed myself again. I know diet manuals recommend you don't but i did. I had lost .4 of a lb in my sleep. So somewhere my brain is telling me that i am a slimming success. If you are reading this and you are the rare person who doesn't have issues I just want you to know that any minute loss feel like a victory. Worried about receiving feedback about my poundage.

The point I am trying to make unsuccinctly is that I found a free weight tracker programme today, which stores my data (making me sound like a mathmatical problem)and then plots my daily weight on a graph. It shows not only the daily points but the average trend. This is my new toy. So I will weigh myself daily just to watch my weight fluctuate wildly and so i can be utterly despairing when it fluctuates upwards. The joy of numbers!

My diet buddy, who shall remain anonymous, sent me a couple of recipes today. So watch this space for new developments in the kitchen...

Feeling smug too as i walked up the hill again in the freezing mist. Completeing today's two goals.

Weigh in 1

I'm in shock. I have found my parent's scales in the bathroom. Mum was unsure if they would be able to measure my weight. I got on them and the machine worked very very very slowly. The first reading was an error reading. Brilliant now I was too fat for the electric scales! The third reading worked fine.

I was in horror at the scales. I have been in denial so long even though my belly spills out miles and miles. I'm seriously worried how this will affect my future relationships. I mean i'm monsterous...

The scales weighed in at 330lbs. That's 23.5 stone, that seems like a rate for masonary not human flesh. In panic I emailed a friend. She was ever so calm and told me that i shouldn't be ashamed and I wasn't alone. But I'm wondering what i've been doing for three weeks keeping a journal and no record of my weight. Told you all my picture is deceptive.

Fat burning starts for real tomorrow. Wish me luck....

Feeling Groovy-Briefly

My emotions are on a roller coaster this week. I guess we all get a touch of the blues in February. I mean it's allowed isn't it? Woke up feeling bloody marvellous. Aided by every woman's moment of happiness a shower with luxury bath products. My mother is well stocked. Thank you ma! There is something great about having freshly washed hair, the way the highlights capture the sun's rays. And yes it is sunny in Manchester today.

When I feel good I like to put on clothes which make me feel even better. Today's ensemble was a bootleg jersey trouser and my orangey red print top. The pants are slightly too big and have a tendancy to fall down slightly as I walk. I haven't noticed an easier fitting cloth just yet however.

I took myself out to a bookshop just on the outskirts of Manchester. I have no money but I love wandering down the aisles wondering what i am going to buy if I had a stash of cash. I would have purchased Laura Marling's albumn but maybe I will at the end of the month!

I dined out at Subway today, an extravagance I know but it was tasty. I love the story of the American man who lost weight dining exclusively there. If only Subway were a charity for us fatties. I lusted over a soy milk latte from the coffee shop but i'm afraid my purse was groaning so I abandoned the sweet and creamy from my palette.

Then I looked in TKMAXX. They have a new season of clothes and yes they do cater for the "plus sixed woman" (read fat). So I looked for my size very carefully. The only items I could have purchased were some very large jeans, with a half elasticated waist and a gold jacquard jacket that I would have frozen in. Some much for new season. I left feeling disappointed. All those clothes and maybe 4 outfits that were in my size. I guess I'm greatful for my catelogue clothes where there isn't a scramble to find something that fits. But shopping away from a shop makes you forget how large I actually am compared to the skinnies.

Found yet another diet self help book to read. I should order through my library.

Emotionally low.

Breakfast is working for me today.

However, I'm having another low day. My desire to eat the sweet stuff is high but I am resisting. I'm feeling desperately lonely today. If only the people i am close to were in the UK!

There Ain't No Mountain High Enough

I am feeling at peace with the world so far- I am in control.

I have chosen cereal again as a breakfast option and all seemed to fall into place thereon in. I'm wondering whether anything other that a hearty breakfast actually does me in for the day: a taste of the sweet and i'm smitted.

There was a pact wasn't there today? Have I sat at my computer screen and got lost in the intricacies of the net? No! I scaled a mountain. Well small hill which is a local landmark here. For years I used to struggle up the well worn path. Dad pointed out to me today that there is a bridle path which runs slowly up the side! So guess which route I took? Yes! The slower but less steep route. I was still puffing my lungs up all the way to the top though but the views were spectacular.

I walked past those picnicing on the summit and I walked happily down the steep path, inwardly laughing at those who didn't know about the less steep route. "It's steeper than you remember," I chortled to one thin woman who was red faced and out of puff coming up the road I would never have taken today. You could see puzzlement on their faces. Poor fat woman has made it up here. How! I bet they were saying.
But i did manage an hour, most of it uphill so I'm feeling very smug and adventurous.

Also I only ate half my bowl of lentil soup as I became aware that I had no appetite for the food I was eating! Hunger reaction you are back with me! Where have you been?

A Helping Hand

Tonight I have been offered a helping hand. A friend who shall remain nameless, but loved, said we should make a pact. Tomorrow I get to walk for a full hour as it has been noted that I'm on a slippery slope downward. Not only was i burying my head in the sand there were only my toes sticking upward. In return my friend also gets to exercise. Ha ha ha joint misery...I thank her heartily for this life raft.

My parents have hidden their six pack of crisps from me today. I feel like a rat being able to sniff out their secrets. They said they had to go to this measure as I didn't know when to stop. This truth hit me strongly but hasn't stopped me eating like a goat today. They hid the whippy bar from me too but i located those in a jiffy. Whilst I type this I have an amaretto coffee and a custard cream handful. I don't even like custard creams! (For those no Brits out there it's the second most boring biscuit on the planet after the wafer.) I am eating without tasting. No clearer about why I'm in such an emotional funk.

Any ideas welcome....

Dad bars the Fridge.

I was on track food wise until about 6pm today when I tucked into my goat's cheese and crackers. Why I can't regulate my eating heaven only knows. The fact that there is sweet food in the house delights me. Dad accused me of gluttony when he saw me eating a chocolate bar in one sitting. My argument is its a thin bar and I'm savouring every mouthful.

This evening he stood in front of the fridge when i nipped down stairs for a nougat bar. I'm thirty four but I do feel about eight in my parent's house. He has a point about me snacking too much. I have a break from the pc to get a snack and i disappear into my parents spare room till all hours.

It's like my thermostate for regulatinbg food has disappeared. My mouth is hungry and my stomach is saying what the hell i'll have it. I still haven't worked out what i'm upset about yet. No walk today either. When I don't walk I find it harder to do everything else.

Mum is clear of her cancer in one part of her body! At least we can celebrate that tonight.

Valentine's Day.

I have to confess i've been bad really very bad. I've eaten half a tarte au cirton. The sweetness! I've stuffed myself with biscuits and chocolates. The day was far more stressful than I thought it was going to be. These few days have been really emotional for me and i'm not sure why. Nor have I been on my daily walk. God I really loathe myself right now. So much that I'm considering sneaking downstairs and eating and drinking more...

This house is packed with carbohydrates. Bread, crackers, cakes its never ending. I need a grip and fast...So much for eating with my hunger. I havent felt hungry for two days. Support would be lovely here folks...

Happy Valentines Day, lover boy!

Another Toe into The Past

I've been trying to find old photographs today but with no success. It seems the photobox has disappeared into the box along with other Klutch. I wanted to show you a picture of my great grandmother at my age. A fine looking woman who would always ate a full meal before she went to eat out at people's houses, in case she felt hungry!


Dad has just come back from town with a few items mum has requested and my request. An after eight chocolate bar. I have moved on from mint aero to 70% dark chocolate with a fondant filling. I'm wondering if I will ever shrink at all...

My teenage eating years were pretty undistinguished. I grew relatively tall and for a while I was in normal weight ranges. When I was 16 I was large for my age and the reduction of sport in my school career meant that I did add weight on.

At 17/18 I went on my first serious diet and I managed to lose a couple of stone before university. This was obtained through a mixture of a low fat diet and swimming three times a week for an hour.

At university I walked to the campus regularly and was surprised that I didn't gain weight immediately. I would eat a doughnut for breakfast, from Greggs on the corner of my lodgings. When I moved into halls of residence in January I did put on weight as I was taking the bus and I decided to buy nice food and blow the student grant.

I met my second serious boyfriend at university and we began to eat tins of rice pudding and mountains of pasta.

The weight gains were steady again. We moved to Oxfordshire and then Yorkshire then Nottinghamshire and finally Derbyshire. Eating our way through life, with pizza and meals out and very little exercise.

In 2001 We split up and I moved into my own house. Trying to eat sensible meals has always been a hardship for me living alone. I ate badly. I was sedentary with a few brief trips to the gym. The weight crept slowy on insidiously. Until I find myself here 2008 with the desire to be normal and not regarded as a total freak.

Taste.

Dad managed to polish off the Thornton's toffee last night thankfully and i'm relieved. Mum and I kept eyeing the damned stuff each time we walked in the room.

There is something about the way fat laddened food tastes that is so hard for our ancient bodies to resist. My temptation has been eating rich tea biscuits when I have an afternoon cuppa. Biscuits were made to go with tea. Tea isn't a beverage that should just be drank alone. O the moistness of a rich tea drenched in the eastern stuff is very bliss!

It's not the swallowing of food I love but the chemical reaction that happens on my tongue. An explosion of flavours and feel good chemical receptors in the brain. If i had a pack of crisps I could just lick the flavouring off- the swallowing is secondary.

I think it's the fact that my tastes doesn't die when I'm full that keeps me overeating as i eat for taste not for my belly feelings. But that desire for something sweet or something savoury leads me into disaster.

Photographic evidence

Whilst on the walk into my home town today and on the way back I was thinking about photgraphs. I ought to be brave and show you a full length picture of myself, as the thumbnail head shot is very very deceptive.

I don't mind taking my own photograph these days as I get to control the image that you see. Any where my chins are showing or I look damnably blank have all been zapped before you see them. I am my own worst critic. I'm not the only one of you out there that is selective about using headshots! Oh no!

I mean if I am to face up to my weight you may as well see me in my full glory but I can only set up pictures when im in Derbyshire. I will do- but promise not to laugh?

Where our author is criticised

Mum is doing well you will be glad to hear. She just has to be careful when she laughs, which is often, as it hurts the holes the keyhole surgery went through.

Eating healthy food is going well. I made yet another bowl of soup for my folks to share today after my shopping trip to an in town supermarket. I'm getting quite domesticated. The supermarket was deathly. Finding organic veg there was like looking for the pope in Tibet. The people had hard, lived in looking faces. Incredible to think it's just the next town over; at least the river has kept them away from us for so long. Still I did mamage to buy vegetarian falafel and low fat hummous so I shouldn't protest too loudly.

I have spread the word of this blog a bit but if you are reading out there you certainly aren't commenting in the droves I expect. I have had some feedback on yesterday's blog. Apparently it is error ridden being grammatically unsound- tough tits- I have enough to do without trying to be Proust.

I have been proud of myself for maintaining a daily walk, even in surburbia. I found a nice path through the cemetry where the dead, I can report,are still dead. My only critic had word of advice for me about exercise regime as well as my grammar. I should be walking with a monitor which, checks my training rate to ensure I am effectively burning calories. I protested about the cost. I was told I can take my own pulse! It just goes to show that what ever field you go into, like walking, there is an expert out there. I didn't realise it was going to be this complex in health fitness land.


Just before I sign off I must warn you that I have temptations here at my parents. Sitting by the telly in the front room is a large box of Thorntons special toffee. I have managed to have one small piece per day so far but I have major worries that the creaminess and butteriness of the said confectionary will lure me in the later hours. Fingers crossed for me and DO leave a comment so I can feel self important.

Wherin sexiness is discussed briefly...

I am safely ensconsed at my parent's house for a while. My mother is coming out of hospital today and dad has had his new boiler fitted- joy of joys. The boiler man was and i quote "twice the size of you. He didn't go upstairs".Love the critisism for the man and criticism for me there! Does anyone else's boiler sound like a jet plane taking off?

The cats didn't take to the journey too kindly and it was discovered when I got to my parents house that i hadn't packed their sodding cat food. So they were on you guessed it on the diet food. They were overjoyed to tuck into their new food this morning however.It is a pleasure to see them relishing thier grub. That is where i will leave them snoozing post breakfast.

Yesterday was interesting. I was chatting oline to a bunch of strangers as I am wont to do when I get a trifle bored. I was experimenting trying to guage who actually wanted to read this blogspot. I began chatting to a very insteresting fellow.

I thought I would try out my blog with him. He was a good egg and duly went away and read the whole thing or at least enough of it to work out I wasn't happy with my weight. He then asked me a question with the greatest sense of sincerity. "Are you sad about your weight?" I explained why I wanted to lose weight. Then in the most confidential of ways he slipped me a web site. I was curious. I opened the home page; it was for erotic veluptuous women! Imagine my surprise.

I didn't actually look at the site although I was sorely tempted. They were making the distinction between bbw and veluptuous women. What the distinction is I can't say. Then this charming young man confesed to me that He "loved large ladies". I questionned him further. It seems that his online friends knew about his love of the larger lady but his actual friends at his home did not. Hiding his loves no doubt.

Later on I was chatting to another friend who got really cross that weight is the scape goat for societies evils. He actually ranted. I was so proud of him...

Of course I am all for people being able to accept their weight's just that this weight isn't right for me. Do i feel less sexy? No. Sexy isn't a dress size, it's an attitude. Yesterday I was walking down the pavement on my daily walk when I was tooted at by a young man in a car! I was well dressed and obviously shaking my thang! It was definately a toot of approval...I was confused I am used to being anonymous in the street. If I could have blushed I would. My whole point is that people can be fat if the want to be, it's their choice and it certainly doesn't make them less human.

I am currently reading a "nonsense" book to weight losss. One of the exercises in there is to learn to be disgusted with fat people. There is a small proviso in there 3/4 of the way through the book which says you are not hating the people themselves just the fat but on balance the author i think is saying fat people suck. It is truly reprehensible. I know who i'd like to spend my time with...

Burying My head in the Sand

I rang my dad this morning to see how my mum was doing a she is in hospital. He told me for the 4th day in the row that she was doing well but not to come over just yet. Her operation was successful and the following proceedures have been fine but she is having problems relating to her asthma and diabetes. Yes, my mother has type 2 diabetes. In the past I have been warned that I too will face diabetes. The reality of this hasn't sunk in as it hasn't happened yet so I don't really care. That's not entirely true. I do care- I'm just burying my head in the sand.

I thought a little about my dad this morning. I don't recall him feeding me at all during my life. His philosophy is a very very small treat a day. He serves out his own chocolate bar like he was still in post war rationning. He is responsible for cat feeding duty at home.

Like my mum and I the cat, Dilys, is heavily overweight. I liked to put it down to research which blames a cold virus mutation for our fat. It helps to explain the spread of pussy cat fat. Of course I'm sure it's a myth.

So dad doles out the diet food for the cat. Food so unappetising that one of my own cats ignores it when we go to stay at my parents (the other having the culinary palette of a fox). So dad in my eyes and Dilys's eyes no doubt is of the mean disciplinarian. Mr kiljoy. Mr sensibility.

Dad has helped me out greatly financially this year. I can't begin to tell you how much. I am greatful. His new hobby is to question me on my finances each time he rings. This leaves me squirming as they are appauling and I don't feel I can ask him again for help. He ended his phone call with the phrase of the day "you are just burying your head in the sand."

That's what i've done with my weight in the past. That's what I'm doing with my finances now. What makes a person actually want to tackle the world? Answers greatly appreciated my few new chosen readers.

A toe into the past

I've had my hot chocolate and soya milk I can blog a bit today.

Last night I had another heart to heart with a friend about weight issues. Her take, and she is very knowledgable in this field, is that we as fat women are wearing our pain and that the pain is buried deep. I said i wasn't sure I wanted an archealogical dig into my past to see what caused me to put on weight. However, after a bit of reflection I guess it is necessary on the weight journey that I am embarking on. So here it goes: wish me luck.

I was born upside down shaped like a banana. I was even slightly yellow from being a breach birth. I was long and thin.My cousin who was born sixth months after me has lots of photos which him covered in layers of baby fat, I had none. Guess which of us is the thin one?

I was fed on baby milk and not breast milk, which I know would be scary to those of you reading in 2008. I wonder if it affected me at all but I have made it into adulthood relatively unscathed so I won't be blaming my mother for her inability to breast feed- it happens to a lot of women.

One of my earliest memories if of my great grandmother's handbag. I can still recall the smell of its leather and handkerchiefs. It had a big clasp on it. Out of this she would draw Benson's chocolate eclairs in profusion- a sweet sumptuous toffee with a milky chocolate centre. It' a memory of love; being fed with love.

For the first few years of my life I didn't actually eat very much at all and this worried my mother. She would try all sort of ingenius ways to get me to eat food. Her favourite was making sausage, mash and peas into a funny face. I would pick at it and not feel like eating. I don't know whether it was becaue i wasnt hungry or it wasn't what my body actually craved. A Poor worried mother must feed her child and she insisted I eat out of love.

Every Saturday night my grandmother would stay. Saturday night was a great tv night. I would be allowed to eat in front of the television on a small teak table as i watched something from America -the Dukes of Hazzard or Buck Rogers and the 25th century. Later on that evening we would gather as a family around the set well fed and we would watch quiz programmes and then Dallas. Grandma, out of love, would bring chocolates and brown muffins for us to eat and i was responsible for dolling them out. A fair share to everyone no matter what their size.

I played out a lot with people in my close. I rode my bike, I rollerskated. A neighbour said that when she firt saw me walk i didnt walk i ran. God how far removed that is from today!

Then I was a bit fatter than my friends. No one aid anything until i was about nine when i went to see a doctor at the local clinic. Her advice to me was to "eat salads and dont eat so many chips". You'd think i was hoofing down stuff from the chippy daily. Her advice puzzled me. Salads to me were lettuce and a tomato, hardly a full meal. So in my confusion i thought you cheeky cow and realised that people didn't understand me.

Of course looking back we did eat chips but they weren't falling out of my mouth. My favourite time to eat chips was after i'd been to the swimming baths. I was ravenously hungry and the chips with their thick layer of salt and vinegar was the fuel our bodies enjoyed. Odd that I live three doors away from the chippy now.

Why do people assume all fat people eat chip every night? Yesterday as I was walking home from the chemit I read the grafitti in one bus shelter. It read "chopper is so fat as he eats at the chippy every night"

I know my diet wan't as balanced as it should have been, and for that I can't take the blame in my early years. I recollect the chips, the sweets, the ice creams, the hot dogs in Denmark, the cakes, the arctic roll. The pudding after every meal. I was allowed to have snack in between meals whilst my cousins next door had to save their lollies until after tea.

And watching my mother start to worry about her weight at the same time I put weight on. I recall her measuring museli for yet another diet.

Last night my friend and I commented on mother's have a lot to do with their daughter's psychological relationship to food. Her mother started to but on weight and so did she, just as my mother got fatter and so did i.

Raring for another Walk

After my fine breakfast I took myelf to my bed and finished off Shauna Reid's book. After I closed the book I started sobbing. It was a mixture of gratitude that she had actually developed a healthier relationship with food and her body and also that awful sense that I have such a fearfully long way to go. I pushed myself into action and decided to walk somewhere inspiring so I took myself if to A National Trust park.

The walk was as good as yesterday's, except being winter I am walking on the roads not the grass and the mud, when i stopped to let a car pass, soaked through the gaps in my crocs. It' a good job i'm not a glamour icon. What's more I may even walk the the chemists in the next village later on today if the weather holds.

Today's tofu burgers

Hunger

Some days I don't know when i'm hungry. I just don't. I know when i get overly hungry- I get a painful growl and a stinking headache. This is the signal that tells me i've waited too long. It's a feeling I hate it makes me panic or makes me cross and like i want to shout at the world.

My fair diet books say "eat when you feel hunger". But some days I don't feel anything at all. Some times theres a rumble in my belly others like a tickling sensation but it's the same feeling as when i'm full. I wish I trusted my body more. I wish the signals were strong and more pleasant feeling. It's understandable that i've over ridden them so long.

As a young child I didn't eat much- mum used to get cross when i didnt eat. I guess this was the start of ignoring those signals. 25 years of neglect- poor stomach. I ate when i felt nothing. Ate and ate. Why i'm not sure. I'm hoping that this blog will uncover some of the reasons why and I hope some of you will be able to identify for yourself. The signal to stop eating was being bloated. It makes me mad that I've put up with it for so long.


I think im feeling hunger in the morning. At 9 am im eating tofu burgers- move over burger king you have competition.

Today's winter sky

A winter walk

So today I am feeling very confident about getting fitter. I know it's only just into the afternoon but i have been up since 7 am so give me a break.

This morning I woke up with a raging appetite and yes it was two bowls of rice crispies with soya milk that I consummed. With a respectable hour in between i might add.

Fortified with calcium and plant fibres I bravely walked to another of the outlying villages around here. The village that only has three houses and a rotten bench. I took a picture of me there. I swear to god I look bigger than the side of the house.

It was a good walk (apart from the thighs, despite oodles of moisturizer). I feel in tune with nature, there were birds and mud puddles and manure heaps. I skillfully breached a ford in the road without a car coming past and drenching me. I saw horses and a blackbird so close up in the thicket.(I'm starting to sound like the Edwardian Country Diaryist here) And I think I saw swallows or at least swifts(yes im a suburban girl) twisting in the sky. They are so at ease with their movements rather than lumbering along like me.

Back in the semi civilisation of my village i felt love towards my surroundings. Genuine warmth and pleasure at the way the village is now. This thought soon disappeared as i gropped blindly in the fridge for some fish fingers. I ate them without ketchup as my friend had helpfully used up the lot on Saturday night. I fear i can no longer afford organic ketchup. Oh what a crisis of the middle class!


So with such a steady start I am confident that the shrinking Violet will do well. The only thing i'm not sure of apart from the scales issue is who i give my blog address to. Do I tell everyone i know and then more? Or do I keep it discrete. This etiquette throws me. I have however passed it on to my most favourite person in the world.

Violet gets ontrack thankfully....

So yesterday how did i do? Well from my jubilant title heading you can guess. I feel like I achieved a near perfect day.

How was this accomplished you ask? Well poverty means that I only eat what's in the cupboard. So that was carrot soup and other vegetables. I had a fine supper feasting on sweet potatoes roasted with a side helping of taziki-creamy, delicious, filling and nutricious...

In addition I took two 30 minute walks to the neighbouring village. Sadly this was not out of choice but necessity. One was to take the car to the garage and the other to collect it again. But I felt happy walking with a weak winter sun, looking at red berries on the branches and feeling wholesome. All was well apart from the fact that my thighs started rubbing together. How could you explain that awful friction to someone who has thin thighs- I can't. It is soul destroying.

Later on in the evening i chatted to a friend online. We both raised the weight issue as she battles with negative emotions surrounding her weight. She raised the idea that not caring about your body was akin to rebellion and i have to agree with her. The desire to be seen and not seen. I brought up an image that i'd heard from a monk on a buddhist retreat weekened which was that some pleasure( food in my example) was like honey on a razorblalde. The more you have of something sweet the more harmful it is... how wise he was. Perhaps he could be my diet guru.

I am the world's worst dieter.

OOOh God. I didn't realise i'd be tested so soon. A friend was over for the weekend. Yesterday morning i feasted on flat bread and cheese. It got worse. When he returned from Manchester he brought with him a giant box of doughnuts. 9 sodding doughnuts. 9 temptations of the flesh.

Yes i did secumb dear reader. And then it got worse. We went out for pizza- the fat ladened kind with cheese in the crust. I could feel every resolution drop. I considered making myself sick when i got home but I gave up this idea.

When he left I begged him to take the remaining doughnuts with him he refused. He told me to throw them away. I just couldnt do it. He still refused to take them away. So after a nap, notice not a walk, I gave in to their calling dough. God almighty I'm such a stereotype. Self loathing on over drive. I didnt even appreciate the flavours he brought with him. I'm going to hell sooner than i think.

1st February - A New Era

It's finally happened, A moment of decisiveness, this doesn't happen to often for me.

I am near completing an inspirational book about Shauna Reid and her diet Blog. I thought I could have a go too. Fatties of the world will be blogging madly about their dull adventures into starvation and I intend to join them. Thus begins the journey into accountability.

What did I do for my body today? I made it a tasty carrot soup and took it for a walk to the next village, which includes a slight incline on the way back. I was over taken by a professional walker, wearing purple lycra and trainers. Returning I walked very slowly up the hill/incline, but when I saw anyone coming in either direction I walked up the hill with more vigour.

I'm debating whether to weigh myself during this challenge. Being accountable I guess I'm going to have to but i'm terrified.