Some Reflections on Past Rejections

I don't know why it should be this week but i'm thinking back to all the people who have rejected me because of my weight. It's quite sad to think that in the past at least two strong friendships, with men, have ended because of my weight.

Both of those guys were very firmly in my confidence. Yet as soon as they saw my full length picture they both vanished; fat scares some people. People are treated differently because of their weight and this bothers me no end. I have seen people use weight as a tool to try and hurt people on the net. What they are scared of eludes me, as if weight is a contagious desease. Their self esteem must be intensely low.

This makes it more important to be surrounded by people who care about me for myself. And I think I have that. I know a group of people who see past the fat, and I'm greatful for that.

Not much else to report just yet. Still loving the new place and thus in a state of exploration as well as reflection. Weather too horrid to send even the cats out into. I will walk tomorrow in the rain if I must....

Household Extras

I'm exhausted. I went to bed early and was awoken by the sound of a man sweeping up glass from round the bottlebank, his torch finding glass shards in the dark. I'm still getting used to the sounds of the new place. See photos above.

I woke at 4 am desperately hungry for breakfast so i ate honey and toast and went to bed again. I've never been so famished before that my appetite affects my sleep. I guess I should add a supper into my routine but I really don't want to.

Today has been about buying bits for the house- shower curtain, door rails, clock, tea towels, light fittings lots of bits. At the discount lighting place i managed to ignore the bowl of sweets put there for my delectation. A coffee surficed.


Came home to my parents place and wanted to ravish the cupboards. I'm finding that I really space out how much food I have here. Aghast at the large portion mum cut for her and dad of the custard pie...

Feeling disconnected from my friends and loved ones today. It's so hard not having the net all night long like I used to. Still I have managed to get some scribbling done every day in the new place.

Off to the old place for the very last emotional time tomorrow. I cant say i'm relishing the 4 hour drive there and back....no doubt i will have a walking update by Sunday. I trust you are all keeping well....

Delightful Library

I'm finally moved in. All is well. However I don't have email so this blog will be more sporadic. I feel like im on my holidays with no tv and internet. I wonder how long the thrill will last.

The weather is sunny and I took advantage of it yesterday to walk into my local town. I was thrilled with the number of bistros coffee shops, gift shops and delis there are. Perfect if you have oodles of cash. Theres even a plus sized dress shop although the price tags seem to be somewhat expensive.

One sad thing of note was the comments i received from local youths. I was about to go into the post office when one lanky youth said loudly and pointedly to his mate, "look at the size of her." I turned round and gave them my best glare I could muster. They side stepped quickly round to the side of the post office. Later walking back home A young man shouted something inaudible from his mates convertable car and waved at me. I waved back unsure what insult he had thrown at me.

The walk back was up a very slight incline, past some roadworks. Of course some eccentric old lady accosted me on the route back and said, " Oooh those pavements back there are very uneven." They looked fine to me. Still I smiled.

In the evening I went to my parents for a shower and a hot meal. I had a chippy tea with the northern speciality of a "pudding". Steak and kidney suet pudding- bliss. Yes I am still losing weight but it's about moderation in all.

Today im back in the town. I've been to the market and I have fresh bread and fruit for luncheon. I'm typing from the delightful library which is considerably a thousand times better than the one in my old home town in derbyshire. It's newer and designed with comfort in mind. The librarians look exactly as you would expect librarians to look. It is rather wonderful. I may go hill walking this afternoon if the weather holds.

Carpet Capers

Forgive the tardiness of this blog but its been a right royal week. The flat was meant to be ready on Monday, all newly painted and decorated. Monday I received a call from the agents saying carpets still needed fitting by the landlord but I would be fine to move in Tuesday. Today I get another call- all not well but I can move in Wednesday! This is the worst possible news given that two small vans were heading for my house in Derbyshire today. It looks like I might have to put stuff in storage. So there we have an upto date news flash- I still don't have my flat to move into.

The scales are showing a decrease in my weight and my clothes are a little easier to get into. However, I'm an emotional wreck because of the moving process. Weight loss is the very last of my concerns at the minute. A walk would ease my tension but i'm under strict orders not to leave the house in case the carpets have been fitted and I can actually move today(unlikely though is my gut feeling.)

I have started a very dangerous trend in having a dessert and then a couple of biscuits, or yogurt then a piece of cake. The desire to continue eating at the end of my meal is still there and I really wish it would go away. Yet On Saturday I helped mum round the supermarket- there must have been something odd happening as i wasn't interested in the junk, I was looking at the pulses and vegetables with vigorous attention.

Sunday was a strange day. I planned to get up early to go out to meet friends but my alarm didnt go off. Instead a few minutes after the alarm should have gone off a huge thud assaulted the bedroom window. After staggering to the vitrine with dreamlike movements I found that there was a stunned blackbird or starling sitting on the front lawn looking very dazed and confused. My mind worked over time and i identified with the poor little creature. I feel your pain I muttered.

There are far to many clothes to fit in my wardrobe- I'm going to have to give more away. Why is it so hard parting with lovely things that hold such great memories?

Brief Reflections

The crisps are gone. I'm relieved.

I went for a walk today. I was relieved that I was wearing my boots as there were huge puddles around the resevoir. This made me think that I need to be prepared for events. I'm going to plan my meals when I move into my new place.

Met a crazed red haired welsh man on my travels, throwing a stick in the water, who wanted to involve me in conversations about his dog. I side stepped him, muttering about cats.

Crisps may undo me.

Damnit. Crips will be the down fall of me I swear.

Breakfast- one bowl of rice crispies, soya milk followed by a bag of seabrooke ready salted.

Lunch- one sandwich, tomato and were those crisps on the table? yes! walkers cheese and onion...

I realise crisps for breakfast is the nearest thing I do to an extreme sport. However, I am not impressed with myself today.

Mum had friends over who always lunch with mum. I arrived at lunch late and sat down with my sandwich and tomato. The two bowl of crisps were in front of me. My crazy body was demanding another packet but I talked myself out of it. The bowl nearest to me was empty save one potato flake. I ate that and looked at the crisps and worried. In the end I gave in and took a small handful.

It's incredible the shame I feel from not being incharge of what I've put in my mouth today. I mustn't beat myself up about it. Crisps will not feature in my evening meal...I will see to that.

Great News

Joy of Joys- I have the flat. This is after weeks of anxiety regarding where I am going to live. I want to drink and celebrate but I shall only spend the day glowing instead. My own place again. I can't say how that really feels.

Today was spent travelling between Derbyshire and Manchester so food was very much on the hoof. Service stations still arent bastions of great food. Never mind. My own place...just imagine.

Photos above show yesterdays walk around my old village.

Weather Report

Fat globules of water continued falling from the sky today as I failed to walk outdoors. Bloody hell, I was doing more walking in Winter.

Took cover at the large shopping centre looking round at reduced house hold objects and walking into expensive italian designer sofa manufacturers and pretending I could afford thousands for their buttery leather sofas. I was on my feet for hours, exercise that is not noticable but does me some good. Plus I didn't purchase anything.( That's the official line anyhow. I actually bought an excellent wine rack for my new kitchen, if I get it. I was looking at bathmats. I have a desire to buy a shocking pink bathmat. I don't know what's wrong with me. I am worrying that my desire to eat has moved over slightly in a desire to spend so I have to watch this irksome little gremlin more closely and keep a tight reign on it.

For lunch after my skinheads on a raft (beans on toast - a british phenomenon) I consumed a world leading confectioners chocolate bar. It was so sweet and warm I didn't actually enjoy eating it. I have to be very careful as i'm eating so much junk in with my meals.

I'm finding the ending of meals very difficult, possibly because I havent had the ritual cup of tea. I find myself feeling sad that I can't eat more and for longer. I really feel deprived that I can't get my nose bag on and chomp all evening- I now have to find other things to actually do.

I have abandonded sweet fizzy drinks (soda for my two american readers). The thought of consuming so much sugar through thirst was frightening. I'm now on what my gran used to call "corporation pop"- something I used to think sounded really exciting until I discovered she meant water, or alternatively no sugar cordial. (Coincidently She also used to call the tv the "goggle box" so I really thought we were in for prime entertainment until she switched on the telly.)

About Face

I'm always advising friends to spend time looking after themselves. It's about time I showed you some evidence of self care!

Watched the opening of the Olympics from Beijing this evening- spectacular. No exercise just lots of self love...

Genius Strikes

Yesterday I spent the day feeling like I was a caged animal. The rain continued falling and there seemed to be no way I could go for a walk. I spent my time idly tossing books aside and wishing I could go out for a drive. Then it hit me. I could go swimming. Genius.

It took me 20 minutes to walk to the baths, thankfully the rain had cleared. I had a thirty minute wait for the adult swim session to start, which I spent drinking water and reading advertising about the baths. When the time came to swim, I was like a shark in the water, albeit a rather slow one.

I got out of the water, knowing I'd had a good work out as my legs felt all heavy. Stinking of chlorine dad drove me home; I felt relaxed and energised.


The flat I so badly need is currently being decorated. I will keep you updated as usual.

Sugar

I'm aware that i'm eating way too much sugar.

Last night mum brought home some homemade plum jam and some apple chutney: both delicious but crammed with sugar. Why am I so bothered?

I was reading one of my books about the effects of sugar on the system. The way that insulin can't keep up with the amount we consume, the effects of cravings etc. Do you know it takes 21 days for sugar and its related systems to get out of the body? Damned scary food.

I'm aware that I'm going to have to get over my sugar addiction one day. Just not today I'm not feeling brave enough. The thought quite scares me as it cuts out major foods for me. Imagine no cakes and biscuits, chocolate. No dessert? How does one know that meal time is over? You just don't get it you are screaming at me I know, but my food history is swamped with sugar.

Recall my first memory of caramels from my greatgrans purse? The trips to the sweet shop as a child on the way to school. Life without sugar seems a deprivation. One day I will have to bloody grow up. Plus, I won't be able to afford sugary foods when I live alone. What a blessing!

Still no flat news. I may be living in a cardboard box soon...

Lemon Meringue Fiasco

I'm obsessed with food. More specifically lemon meringue pie. Inferior shop made lemon meringue additive ridden pie.

Last night for dessert we ate the blasted pie. It made me feel sick it didn't taste good but I wanted to keep eating it. I stuck to my portion. But I wanted more. At night I had the desire to make myself vomit. I didn't but the desire was there. Why do I keep making bad food choices? Why do I keep eating sugary foods?

Breakfast this morning was a bowl of cereal and soya milk (no worries there you are thinking) and the last piece of lemon meringue pie

Luxury hair

This is a short entry today. All is well but I haven't heard from the estate agents yet.

Walked up the hill yesterday and found the slope slightly less gasping for breath difficult. One of the buildings on the hill was open to the public. I havent seen it open in 35 years. Having no money, I sailed on by. I'll wait another day.

Today is about staying home, catching up on paperwork and nourishing my hair. I found a hair treatment lingering at the back of the bathroom cabinet. Hopefully my tresses will be gleaming this afternoon as I set off for the post office.

First Weight Loss Compliment

I received my first weight loss compliment today and it felt absolutely wonderful. It came totally out of the blue this morning, especially when I don't think I had lost weight but was taking more care of what I wore.

Yesterday I went walking in the rain. I set off as the rain was spitting, wearing my summer walking hat (see photo). I soon had to tie my cardigan around my waist as the sun came out. I could hardly see the reservoir for the trees. The sun was obscured by clouds and it really started pouring down as I headed for the car, water dripping from the strawlike brim of my hat.

Lunch had been bad choices and I really felt the effort of walking on such a sugary diet. Today I made sure I had proper food for once so I can go out in the rain again.

Still no news on the flat. I'm feeling so good.

Shopping again

A picture of the front of the box, showing my new phone as promised.

Today has been another day around the shops, bargain hunting in the sales. I went with mum and her friend to all sorts of shops where the sizes were far too small for me; I ended up trying on hats and looking at scarves. The selection of clothes for thin women is incredible. One day that may well be me shopping there.

I had bought £130 pounds worth of goods for £24.00. I'm such a bargain hunter some days. I'm now stocked for late summer and autumn and wont be needing more clothes soon. If only hair cuts were cheap.

As mum's friend was with us we took the civilised step of stopping for coffee. A well needed break in the middle of tough business. But I ended up with a slight tummy ache after the cappuchino. I'm sure it was my body, unable to digest milk. Who would have thought that my system, once robust as hell, could now detect slight changes in my diet? As I'm no longer over eating my digestion is so much better usually. I don't get stuffed to the gills so my body feels a much happier place.