Some comments on the mutability of the landscape.

The weather being lovely yesterday I took myself off to the hill walk again, partly so i could look at the amenities near the new flat (opticians, bakery, butchers, mini supermarket, gift shop, chip shop).

My legs felt stronger walking up the hill, but i'm ashamed to say i still stopped and wheezed. As i was going up the hill I met a grey haired woman of about 70, standing in the culvert with a spade, evidently clearing them out. By God she was still fit! By the time I got to the top i was sweating profusely into the sweat band of my new red hat, that clashed so nicely with my bargain basement top. Fortunately i met an old man walking in the opposite direction who was also full of sweat so I didn't feel such a freak.

What surprised me the most about the walk was that there were sprigs of heather flowering strongly amidst the whimberry bushes, something I had not noticed last week. It's incredible how the same landscape changes with the seasons. The bracken was growing at full pelt too, closing down the lane somewhat. Children were on the lower slopes, snatching berries for tea, a sight which hasn't changed for at least a hundred years or more in that very spot.

I love at the end of a walk taking off my boots at the boot of the car. Sliding my sock free feet into my cool crocs- liberated but exercised. Such small joys!

The weekend is truly over as the rain came tumbling down today. Gone are the days pulling up fresh potatoes from the container and Dilys waving at me from the front lawn(see above).

I am feeling like I have a working appetite again. I'm ravenous when I get up in the morning, my stomach rumbles when it's lunch time and I am expectant at dinner. This is how it should always be- never too hungry or too empty. Such blessings!

The flat hunting may be proving fruitful. I've found a flat I can live with, now you must cross everything if my application is to be accepted. It's right on the doorstep of two walks I go on AND its not too far away from a farmer's market and a source of sticky toffee pudding. Yum yum yum.

Salad days

Mum has announced that it is salad for dinner but i'm worried.

The reason? Because I'm already panicking that it won't be enough food to last me until breakfast tomorrow. Of course it will be! But I never ever feel full when i've eaten lettuce. I'm in a mood for grumbling.

The flats i was looking at last week have had so much interest they've decided not to have me- what a surprise! I'm feeling like I have descended from some rough neighbourhood and that i'm scaring potential land lords off. I have one last flat to look at. I have some faith though that it won't feel so bad next year.

Darjeeling and virtuosity wins.

Food has been around all day. Breakfast was rapidly followed by a hastily grabbed sandwich.

I went out with my mum and her friend looking for shoes in some of the mill shops here about. Everywhere we went there were cafes; sandwiches, pies and CAKES pilled to the ceiling.

We looked at clothes in one shop. I saw a lovely aqua wrap cardigan. I tried it on.
"No it makes you look fat, " said my mum's friend honestly. With a heavy heart I put it's greatly reduced self back on the rail.

Mum said it would be a great idea if we stopped of at this cafe that had been on telly for tea and CAKE, as she was passing round a bag of Thornton's chocolate "moments".

"Do you want one?" she asked.
"No thank you, " I muttered, wondering which bit of "I'm not eating in between meals" she doesn't understand yet. I then mumbled various mantras under my breath to myself in order to not concentrate on the sensations in my brain which relate to chocolate.


At the cafe we sat under a much welcomed fan and then ordered. Mum and friend ordered carrot cake from the piles of delicious looking cakes. When the woman brought the order she said, " what are you having?"
"Erm, just tea," I replied, slightly tersely.
"Oh, " she said, " I thought I'd missed you." No doubt she was worried that I wasn't eating sweet stuff. Mum and friend tucked in not thankfully making a fuss that I wasn't eating.

I drank my darjeeling (two cups) looking longingly at the frosted glaze on their carrot cake. The deal was that I'd have a cake to take home to have with my dinner.
When It came time for me to choose a cake I didn't really fancy what was on offer so I bought a small book of stationery instead. How virtuous can I be?

Stronger than tea

Tea can't help how I feel right now.

I'm searching for a flat and its been a process where i've been turned down at all different stages. I see quality flats and then they get turned down thanks to my impoverished circumstances. I don't know where I'll be living in the next four weeks. I'll be out of my Derbyshire property within the month. I'm so worried my insides are crumpled. I have a tightening in my chest.

There is an entire sense of social injustice and no one seems to care because it is only we the poor who are affected. Next year this wont be an issue, but now I can only see the short term.

Of course I want to eat: of course I won't. I ought to fight against my feelings and walk them off. However, my thoughts are "too deep for tears" even.

A nice cup of tea and a sit down

Apologies for the second blog of the day. I've just eaten my dinner but have things to confess. For dessert I had not just one whippy bar I had two. See how sneaky I am?
Eat well all day, sneak in the junk! I am ashamed and totally at the mercy of the elements. What I need is my psychological closure- a nice cup of tea...

A few musings on clothes

The hunger storm of yesterday lasted another two hours. Before dinner I was calm, after dinner i was really soporific. It was such a relief to be calm it was truly wonderful.

So relaxed was I that I went out and bought new underwear, this time with underwear motifs on rather than fat girl cakes. I tried on an infintessimal amount of clothes on in the sale, working up quite a sweat in the changing rooms. The final result? One skirt.

I went to a chain of cloth stores i havent been to in a while. I haven't increased my weight or lost weight for 6 months but the clothes were tight and uncomfortable in all the wrong places. I guess I don't conform to the standard large bodyshape either.

I used to be scared of trying on clothes. Now it doesn't really bother me. More clothes look unacceptable than wearable though. I had a pang of regret walking through John Lewis looking at all the narrow waists on the cocktail dresses that my arm would struggle to fit in. How I long for an elegant dress to make me look... well... elegant!

I'm always surprised at how badly dressed thin people are around the shopping centre. They have such a selection of images to work with and they chose odd things. There was one elegant woman who was all coordinated, ironed and matching. I reflected how difficult it is for me to coordinate clothes, chosing what fits rather than what will go with the rest of my capsule wardrobe.

In which I am challenged to weather the storm

I am getting that terrible sense of fear that rises up when I want to eat. I've eaten breakfast and lunch already; my dinner is two and a half hours away at least. I can't find some financial documents either so I'm panicking as well.

All I actually have to do is sit and weather out this storm as I really do not want to shred documents today. I can't believe how moody I've been with food all week.

If I'm brutally honest I don't want to eat and I don't have a rumbling stomach. There's just the fear and panic in the pit of my stomach. It's a strong craving. I will eat again, I know I will, why doesn't my body understand that?

**

On further reflection I may not be experiencing hunger but a reaction to the small amount of dairy produce I had at breakfast and lunch. Maybe I'm just misinterpreting the signals again! I'm off to sort out my cd collection, the great declutter continues...

Shredding

The cats looked on as I shredded today.

Shredding has become my new hobby. It gets rid of all tensions as old bank statements are eaten by the wheels of metal and the pages become thin slivers.

I'm beyond mad today. The flat has fallen through, thanks to the pathetic policy of an uncaring estate agent...but notice that I am not turning to biscuits or cake. My new friend is a nice cup of tea and the hiss of metal ripping through paper.

I really do believe in the policy of que sera sera. The flat I had chosen, though in a great location wouldn't fit in half my furniture AND there is no space for my Turkish rug. I'm convinced that the perfect location has a suitable space of the woolly creature.

Yesterday I was in Derbyshire clearing out my wardrobe and fortuitously a free bag for an organisation wanting old bric a brac, clothes and books was put through my door. Just the very things that were in my wardrobe! How spooky is that?I have "decluttered" my wardrobe so if you are a fat woman living in Derbyshire you may be wearing some of my clothes as you read. Godspeed...

Whimberry Pie Made

I know this site initially set out as a record of my diet, in the sense of food restriction. However, I think I now mean diet as in the sense of what is eaten rather than what isn't. It's the end of July whimberry pie is a must in these parts. I'm not eating pie between meals or even at every meal; it's a rare special occasion. Nor do I feel I should be justifying myself here.

The photos say it all. I couldn't include a picture of the finished dish. Needless to say there was nothing left.

You are wondering at this point how a small container of whimberries made a whole pie for three. The truth is that this afternoon I set off to pick some more.

My clever move was to combine hill walking with bilberry picking, which I did successfully. I gasped up the slope(the gentler side of the hill) and was over taken by two pensioners who looked at me sympathetically.

Whilst at the top of the hill I could then start picking berries from the top, where the unseasoned picker will not climb to. I was alone for most of the pick. Then an old man came down the slope and started conversing with me about how the wood pigeons were eating the whimberries and were shitting purple marks futher down the slope. God the conversations I get in with random strangers. I looked busy and he went away. I did trip once down the steep slope, knocking 1/4 of my berries into the dirt and thus was unable to pick them up again.


At home the pie was made.

It tasted so damned good. It made the berry picking well worth it. Here's to whimberries hip hip hurrar.

Whimberry Picking Newsflash

(Bilberries(small wild blueberries) are called whimberries in my neck of the wood.)

It was at 8.30pm when the rain had cleared that I was out on the lower slopes of the moors picking whimberries. Victory. I confess that after 30 minutes of stooping i got fed up and went home.

I didn't pick many and my hands were stained from the purple juices. Gradual patience has paid off. I will return tomorrow. The weather is due to be more clement.

Bilberry Update

Rain again thus no bilberry news OR walking triumphs.

Starving at 6.30pm. I could have torn the head off a raw ram I was that desperate. There is a real urgency before I eat, a real concern that I won't be fed, even though I'm not especially hungry.

The tactic I have been trying is distraction, by burning my photos onto disc. It works for a few minutes but the thought of the evening meal is there at the back of my head. I wonder if most people think about food as much as I do...

Cheesecake smuggling

My struggles embarrassingly continue apace. This evening I smuggled home a piece of blueberry cheesecake, bought with my last two pounds, and ate it hidden in the privacy of the bathroom. Horrible on three counts I know.

The photo above shows the remnants in the box. Technically it was allowed as i ate the dessert then went downstairs 10 minutes later and ate my main course. I consider it being the same meal but i'm hardly in control...

The slab of chocolate fared better- it lasted until yesterday morning, when I ate it as part of my breakfast. Hmmm nutricious.

I found a lovely flat today. We went round with my mum and auntie. We marvelled at the quality of everything. It was only when we got home we realised we'd be shown round the wrong flat and that was an extra 25% ontop of my maximum rental price. Ah damn. Looking continues.

No walking because of the blooming rain and a trip to Derbyshire yesterday. I must have lifted the strength of 12 men clearing junk so I was excused a work out yesterday. Having pc problems so blogging may be scattergun in its approach. Keep on smiling folks...

Free chocolate and good intentions

There's a free slab of chocolate sitting on my bookcase.

I woke up this morning with a sense of certainty that today would be the day I went picking bilberries from the moors. With a sense of delight I rolled out of my goosedown bed. Clouds were gathering and rain was imminent.

I should have sense things were awry when I had my bowl of cereal and orange juice and grabbed a bag of crisps. I cant recall if it were 18 or 36g of fried potato I actually ate. The weather was dangerous so was my eating pattern. How my struggles are like a roller coaster.

Walking was kept to indoor shopping mall strolling, which according to my parent's newspaper the other day is quite the up and coming form of fitting exercise into people's lives.

I had good intentions of not spending, I really did. After all I have a budget to live on. The 1950s chrome style phone cried out to the aestheticism in me. Having driven home I emptied my emergency supply of cash with the can opener, prized open the can, took out the notes sporting the queen's head and other notables and drove manically back to the shops in case someone bought the phone before me. They did not. Hell I'm going to do poverty with retro styling.

I also bought a small bottle of showergel. It was wrapped up with cardboard and ribbon and the shop assistant slipped in a minature bottle of shower gel and a slab of chocolate, unbeknown to me until i did the great inspection in my room. The desire to treat myself with eating may have been replaced with a desire to buy myself cool things.This one time will not hurt and I will wear a hair shirt tomorrow when i travel to Derbyshire.

I had my evening meal out. I was going to eat at a fusion eastern restraunt, but seeing crowds of couples and families I didn't wish to draw attention to myself by dining in the restraunt alone. I can dine alone outside but today I wasn't needing the surfeit of food that restraunt dining allows. I bought a sandwich and promised myself coffee and dessert.

By some miracle I had neither the coffee nor the dessert, I just headed home instead.
I've had my cup of tea and the free slab of chocolate is firmly on my bookshelf until tomorrow lunch time. It's not an easy bargain to make but I don't want to destroy my recent progress. One day the battle will ease, I'm sure of it.

Flat hunting

I want to eat. It's 6.19pm and i'm waiting for potatoes to boil. I daren't go near the kitchen as I'd raid the cupboards. Why the tension? You enquire politely, your puzzled head cocked to one side enquiringly.

Today was flat hunting day. It did not go well. I've found a flat in a really superb location so handy for absolutely everything but it isn't available to let yet and it is a little bit of a grotty flat. I'm really annoyed as the estate agent cancelled. I'm fuming because things aren't going as smoothly as they should. Perhaps my watch word should be patience.

Perceived disaster=desire to stuff myself so I don't have to feel any emotions at all. I'm sitting on my hands desperately hoping that my crazied feelings will go away.

No walk today just cold July skies.

In clover...

As promised, Saturday's snaps of a field and a lane. The joys of Derbyshire...

Here be snakes

Sunday being a delight I took myself off for two walks. One before lunch and one before dinner- there being bugger all else to do.

The first walk was a forest one. I swapped from my crocs into my walking boots and cheerily set off down a tree lined path. The path took a turn into a meadow. There was a notice board which indicated the wildlife. Rabbits, kestrels and various other birds and moths. Coiled up was a picture of the adder. "You may see the snake basking on pathways in hot days" it said. Hell! My walk was ruined. I didn't realise adders lived this far south. I kept to the short grass. I did not wonder off the path for fear of snakes. This is how I spend my life being terrified.

The tranquility of the countryside was also destroyed by a cycling family. The youngest member was screaming, "I can't do this daddy" at the top of her lungs. The cries went on for hours across the woodland.I can't help feeling that if my dad forced me on a bikeride i'd be crying too.

The second walk was more of a success walking by a willow lined reservoir, which had seemed bleak in winter. Pity the camera has run out of batteries.


Saturday's walk was inspiring. Photos to follow soon. I allowed myself to get lost for a while and to use my instincts to guide me back- there seems something deep routed in that.

I can't help but feel vulnerable though as a young woman alone in the countryside. Pity I haven't got a humongous dog to walk by my side-something that rips through flesh.

Food is in its correct place at the minute. It is just a meal. However, I am worried about going back to my parent's house and being let loose on the junk in their cupboards.

House hunting will commence Tuesday. I'll keep you informed.

Derbyshire

All is still going well. No photos this week as i'm in Derbyshire. Off for another walk...

Two phsychological tips.

The entry today is a very quick one. I'm feeling good despite the myriad of problems thrown my way today.

Lunch was served on a tray to indicate that was my complete meal and a cup of tea to signal the meal was over. Hopefully these psychological triggers will work well.

No sign of hunger- something must be right.

Foxgloves

Beat the weather forecast. Continual rain had been forecast:it just spat at me on my walk.

Walked round the reservoir and was surprised at how so little had really changed in the landscape there. Foxgloves abound and I spent my time snapping the poisonous pink points. Found a small batch of pure white foxgloves nestled against a wall. I also admired the new sculptural installation in the water.

People are really over taking me at the minute. My walking is much slower than in winter and my back is sore. I feel about ninety already!Still if I don't walk things will worsen. Walking will improve my weak stamina.

Fruits are definately ready for picking. If i get a chance tomorrow i'm taking a container up the hill for moorland bilberries.

Have been eating within my established plan. Yet i do eat a lot at meal times as I'm worried I won't have enough food until breakfast. I almost eat to the point of being sick. Why does something so simple as eating have to get so complicated? The last twenty minutes before a meal are the worst. I get fidgetty and in need of my fix.

Blooming canals

Rain cancelled my play yesrerday so the only exercise i got was a trip to the shops to collect boxes for the house move. Out on manoevres today.

Visited the country park again, which looks bleak in winter but is positively bursting with life today. Dodged school parties clutching maps shunted along by their teachers in waterproofs.

I really enjoy the walking community, the way people say hello to you on narrow canal side paths. It makes me feel like I belong to something. A dog took rather a liking to me. He stayed by my side sniffing my cherry body cream and violetta perfume, topped off with the high notes of cat. He positively ignored his owner as she cajooled him onwards. He kept looking back at me whistfully.

Watched goslings and young ducks vying in the water for a while. The rain threatened but it did not decend.

Eating has been what I would desribe as normal for three days now. My body feels calm.

Rainy Walk

The walk yesterday was bloody fantastic. I set off in sunshine and took pictures of sheep and horses but the clouds were ominous.My back ached and I sweated like a trooper. At the top of the hill the sky rumbled and clouds looked menacing. Quite a few people were on the hilside picking bilberries so i cautioned a couple not to take all of them as i'd pick some for a pie next week!Down the hill and in the car as the rain pelted down.

Strawberries and chantilly cream for dessert. A day where i stuck to my meals as planned, victory to me I think.

New Starts

New starts are always good. I woke up this morning with a decidedly merry feeling. Out came my cereal and I poured out my soya milk rather than milk which doesn't agree with me. Spoke to friends this morning and I am feeling great.

I have neglected this blog and yes my body. But the great thing is I don't feel any shame associated with that as I have done in the past. My last blog entry seems a bit bitter as I re read it over, full of self pity and desperation. Thank goodness I'm not there today.

So today I have a walk planned as we know those of you who have bothered to read my back enteries that walking is good for me. I'm doing the hilly walk whether it rains or not.

Last night Joan Collins was on the Gok fashion show talking about how she looks so good. She put it down to not eating rubbish. I mentally calculated my last meals and yes pure rubbish. Last night was a case in point I had a burning urge to get sugar in the form of cream soda and chocolate. Today I found a piece of chocolate on the car seat it went back in its box- the insanity has to stop. I can't bloody give up on myself.

So this is an I'm on track again guys... despite the house sale... despite not having anywhere to live ...despite a million and one excuses. catch you at the top of the hill....to have a little perspective on things.....