Mud! Glorious Mud!

It may be too early to say it but I do feel that my desire for food is lessening. I weighed myself today I have lost 10lbs since I started weighing myself. I am trying not to sound smug about it. After all it's my body, my mind and a little extra help that has done it. I am just a bystander.

I went for a walk yesterday, no surprise there. I decided to go on the longer trail. This involved walking past the weir into unknown territory. The path way was muddy- very muddy but as i had my walking boots on I sloshed through the mud with glee. It took me back to a wet school trip where we all went on a walk the day after heavy rain in our wellies. There is something great about mud under your feet when you know it wont get into your socks. Lots of people passed in each direction and we commented briefly on the mud before moving on.

On the way back it snowed. It looked like I'd be lost in a field at one point but I continued to walk where I thought the path was and my instincts were right. After passing a very boggy bit I realised that the path actually took me across railway lines. Surely It was wrong? But no there was a style onto the lines and a small sign which read "Stop, look and listen". Useful. It seemed like a metaphor for life. So moving quickly and carefully I crossed the lines. I must point out to people of a worrying constitution that the line was not electrocuted so I could pass in relative safety. It just felt so wrong. When I was a child my parents would joke. Go play on the motorway! Go play on the rail way lines! And here way I achieving it!

I returned home with legs caked in mud, sweaty and pink cheeked. I'm rather enjoying myself....

I'm dreaming of a White Easter

I woke up this morning to sunshine on top of a blanket of snow. Went through the routine of letting the cats out, feeding them etc. Poured out my bowl of cheerios and alas there was no soya milk. The soya cow had run dry! Not one supermarket is open today and perhaps not tomorrow. Such is life without planning.

Planning haunts me daily. Or rather not planning ahead. Yesterday a friend cooked for me but we ate at 3.30pm. I had all night without food ahead of me. How I worried. Thankfully all was calm.


I have been worrying about eating or not eating chocolate today. I ate a small amount of chocolate with my lunch so I need not worry again. I don't want to become a Stalin with my food.

Enjoy Easter where ever you are. Sit down, relax and feast.

Walking Companion

I have started blogging every other day. This is because not much is happening at the minute. I am spending a few days a week at the hospital with mum and in between that swimming and walking.

Today was nice as a friend accompanied me on my walk. It made me realise how long the walk I was on was in the biting wind. Hail poured down on us as we approached the village. Half way round the walk we got a small flurry of snow until the sun came out and the seering wind. It rained yesterday so there were huge muddy puddles all over the place. I was glad of my walking boots. Managed to snap a photo of the decorated tree.

Earlier we went out to you guessed it the pizza place again. I was longing for a desert. Something about cold weather screams at me to eat pudding. However. I am now pleased I didn't and I can feel virtuous all evening. It's Good Friday today. Easter is rapidly approaching. I'm wondering if I should touch chocolate at all then. I have carrot soup in abundance. See my photo. I just don't know. The sugar is the devil...

Boots at last!

Yesterday was pretty much a wash out. We took dad to the airport and then mum and I went to the hospital and sat there for four hours so we didnt waste petrol going home! Exercise was off. I have lost one pound! The cats have been attacking my parent's cat, so inorder to calm it down my mother gave it some salmon to aenethatise it's emotions. I swear my parent's cat is an emotional eater.

Today was much brighter. I received some money from an unexpected source so I decided to get my half price walking boots. I was worried about not having hiking socks, but I was prepared to wait. Imagine my delight when the woman said, "And do you want your free pair of socks with the boots?" Someone is looking out for me. I am so greatful! I actually received a three pack of socks worth £9.99. Bargain!

I had to test my boots out up my favourite hillwalk. See my boots ontop of the bench where i stopped to subathe a little.

I have decided to cut out sugar from my diet. Out go the biscuits, the cakes, the chocolate. In comes better food. I am cooking carrot and corriander soup tonight. The secret ingredient is...nutmeg. Prepare for a messy kitchen...

Reverse Reservoir

Rewind. Today I took my walk in reverse. NO I did not walk backwards I simply took the path in the opposite direction from the pay and display car park, which currently has no payment box on it. I took my camera with me, the posh one, not the usually camera but alas the batteries had run out so I managed two shots before the thing conked out on me. This was really distressing as 1/3 of the journey through the path, there was a tree decorated with plastic eggs and fluffy easter bunnies. Attatched was a card in German, which read in English. Happy Easter everyone love from.... That would have been quite a thing to capture in the woods. Perhaps it will be there tomorrow. But I'm not a patient person as you can tell.

So many dogs were wet on the path, covered in mud. And yes I did brave the mud above. And avoided the thwhip of the angler's lines as they fished.

I am relieved there is less junk food in the house. The scales showed a giant fluctuation upwards this morning. I'm hoping that it's just an abheration. But I am feeling in control today, for how long I don't know. Life is falling into a set routine at the minute. Still ignoring the sale of my house. We'll see what the post brings this week. Do look after yourselves readers and get out walking when you come home with flushed pink cheeks like mine you will be glad you did...

Muddy Feet, muddy soul.

At last I have been on another walk and I feel really great for it. Today is a good day I feel on track and fit and healthy. I am howvere noticing a few things as I walk.

The first is the mud. Rainfall makes even accessable paths muddy. Theres always one big puddle I have to wade through. I do need those boots. Roll on Pay Day! Another thing i've noticed is walls and lichen. I'm obsessed with the colour and textures of dry stone walls. Am I unique in this? I get disappointed when the capstones are cemented down or the stone isn't old enough to attract green or blue lichen.


Whilst I'm in great spirits I will confess a few things to you dear reader. I am no longer snacking in between meals-victory. But what I am doing, which is rather sneaky, is adding junk food to my the meals a day so that I don't feel deprived!
Also mum went out last night and bought a chocolate bar for each of us at 10pm last night. This formed part of my breakfast. My parents don't understand the phrase I don't want you to buy me a chocolate bar.

The biscuits have all gone from the cupboard. There is only cake left. Whatever will we do as a family? Fortunately I have apricot and cashew nut chocolate hidden in as well as a bar of after eight mint. I really am worried about deprivation. Heaven only knows why!

Lapse deepens.

I'm not walking. I haven't for days. Yet my appetite seems reasonably steady as yet, sticking to just three meals per day.

I was in a shop today at 4.30 and I came over all faint. I actually felt dizzy. No doubt the soup and cake were on some level responsible.

I sent a meal plan off for a friend to look over today. She said the attatchment must have been missing. I daren't tell her that my plan just involves no snacking and eating three meals per day! I'm wondering if I should plan my eating for the week now i've done the shopping?

Still dreaming of walking boots. I'm hoping my pair will be there on pay day. Fingers crossed for me.

Walking lapse

I've used the past few days as an excuse not to walk. I could have walked round the block near home today but I chose not to.

I'm still sticking with my plan of three meals a day and all seems well. I haven't felt the need to snack just yet. Probably because i've included the junk in with the meals.

I was reading Martha Beck's book on the 4 day win. She says something very interesting about rats in trapped conditions compared to those in rat parks. Rats having similar nervous systems to our own. The rats in traps chose to self medicate whilst rats in an interesting environment chose what was good for them.

Another interesting point about the book, is advise on flavours. The body requires certain flavours to be satiated before it feels full.You can also trick your body into eating less if you give it similiar flavours on one day. All interesting stuff.

Disappointment

I drove to the Northern town where the factory shop book said there was a walking boot store. Sadly it had closed down recently.

Stopped off on route home at another millstore and found a great pair of walking boots at half the retail price. The had just one pair in my size. Perfect you are screaming. They were waterproof, lightweight and very very comfortable. The draw back they didn't take cheques, so alas, I couldn't buy a pair.
My parents oooed at the price when I told them how much they were. It's unlikely they'll loan me the money for a pair so I'm stuck with the crocs, which means that muddy tracks are off limits till the weather improves.

The lack of freedom that my new financial status finds me in feels stiffling, even though obviously i'm not. I am seriously sulking, the rain has kept me in.

On a lighter note I did find an overnight bag for a bargain price of £4.00 so I have a luxurious bag to put my swimming kit in. Muttering with disappointment.

Squeaky Clean

Tonight's treat will be to take a shower using the fabulous products that are by the taps. I'm feeling a bit grotty today and just enjoying the unwholesomeness 'til this evening. The cause of my lack of weight loss has been found- pre menustration! Hurrar. Thank God for Ovaries. Weight loss will be inevitable next week.

I swam 45 lengths last night really slowly. Dad doesn't believe me he says it's impossible in the time i had. I went to the local baths which is also the central baths. It was chock a block. I won't be going there again at that time. People were ignoring the swimming directions and fast swimmers were freaking out us slow swimmers. And sport is meant not to be stressful! Imagine!

I found a good site for suggesting walking routes- it is www.walkingbritain.co.uk. You just need to type in your postcode and it will come up with a routes nearest to home. All the walks near me are 10 miles long so when the weather is nice and i have my walking boots I will be off on a longer hike. Wind and rain are prevelant this week so my crocs won't be up to the job. Found a factory shop which sells walking boots. The plan is coming together nicely.

Weigh In 4

I'm swearing. I'd nearly published my post when the cat pressed the delete button. Here we go again.

I've posted a picture of me in my faux fur cossack hat to give me a smile on my face today. I'm disappointed at i've only lost 0.2 lbs since last week. Any weight loss is an acheivement but I don't feel I can move my fancy slider along.

I'm having to really think about how i'm eating this week. Im considering abandoning all in between snacks and getting rid of junk food where I can. However, I am worried I'll be hungry. Hunger is the most frightening feeling for my body.

I've also got itchy feet to be going somewhere. A walk in the outdoors is off because of the wind and the rain. I would be blown off the hillside if i tried my favourite walk. I may be able to gather some money together for a swim, we'll see.
But I want to go on a short retreat, take myself to the theatre and do wonderful workshops. Maybe in the summer. All good things come to those who wait. Is that true?

Freedom of choice disappears

Today was another of shopping. QVC outlet shopping can be a joy and a nightmare. Picked up some craft bargains. To which a neighbour jokingly said, "Oh you aren't one of those saddoes are you?" Indeed I can be.

For lunch it was decided where we were going as mum and our friend like to have a sausage roll. I looked at the rows and rows of pies infront of me. I imagined the fat oozing out of the pastry. I settled on spinach and ricotta pie. It tasted good I can't deny it did. But I felt totally out of control about the level of nutrition I was putting in my body.

On the positive news front I bought a new walking hat. Photos to follow shortly.

Freewheeling downhill

I took my walk up the hill again today as the last two days have been quite small feats of effort on my part. I found i was gasping for breath most of the way up.

Today I am somewhat settled about my weight. Watching the walkers come up hill as well as the mountain bikers. They had such a tough struggle. Yet, they had the most fun coming downhill, freewheeling in the breeze- what a rush that must be. I admired their determination on the way up but their rewards for struggle were the greatest. I wonder if i will ever be fit enough to cycle uphill again.

There was a small child on the hillside crying. That is kind of where i'd be if i was walking up the steep side of the hill.

I need to plan my meals so much better and then I can feel safe for my day ahead. Not yet cooking the way I should do because i'm not in charge of the ingredients we have in the house.

Creative walks

It's raining today. I don't have the cash to go to the swimming baths so I'm going to have to be creative with my exercise and actually go walking inside. The best place for this? Ye olde shopping centre.

I'm going to pretend i have a budget of 400.00 and see what I can find in the shops. How's that for creative?

Got up late today to make up for yesterday's early start. But it does mean that I gorge on breakfast. It becomes brunch. I must have consummed half my calorie intake for the day in one sitting. I'm amazed how much exercise actually regulates what I eat so that when I miss a session my body is thrown out of kilter again.

The books I am reading of the no diet variety advise me that no food is bad but i do feel guilty after having consummed junk in place of decent nutrition. Its a lack of self respect that finds me treating my body with contempt.

Ok. Of for my shower...I'm starting to wiff...

Chocolate Fish Splurge

Shit. I thought I was controlling my food intake I really did.

Yesterday I broke out into quite a sweat on my daily walk. All was rosey.


I spent 4 hours at the hospital this morning with mum and ate late. Had to watch mum down a litre of water with special additives that she did not want to drink.Then later I had the pleasure of working out how much money I don't have to pay my mortgage. I think both these things tipped me over the edge and I raided a selection of Italian chocolate I had bought at a fine deli.

They were carefully shaped into fish, I stripped the foil off quickly and ate with no pleasure. This was eating as a stress reaction. I tipped up the tiny fish and was about to eat the whole lot when I managed to see sense and I popped each fish back in the bag and back in the cupboard. I really have little control and there is no chance to walk today.

I really do wish I had two stomachs. One for normal processes and another, not attatched to my body where I could eat as much as possible and not gain an ounze. It feels as if I actually need so little food to function.

Swim Away the Blues.

I must apologise for yesterday's grumpy mood. I managed to curtail the feeling by eating soup and then going for a swim. I managed to swim 40 lengths of the baths before it was home time. There was a sense of achievement and a smile on my face at the end of the experience. The was just a slight feeling of discomfort when I had to go from the pool to the changing rooms but I'm thinking that if people object to me that's their problem.

A friend emailed me yesterday worried about my feet when I am walking, she reminded me gently that i need support for my ankles whilst hill walking. So today I spent some time looking for my boots which I had long since abandonded somewhere between Manchester and Derbyshire. All to no avail. This does mean that i'm steering clear of muddy tracks and sticking to dry stone pathways. Which actually rules out a large proportion of interesting walks in the area.

I've had a desire to get cookery books out recently and make something from scratch, however, my parents will protest when I cook as I'm so damned messy. Out walking soon.

A Bridge Too Far

Feeling downright dispirited today, perhaps because it's raining. Went for my walk late and i felt off edge. I sat in the car for two minutes, watching the very light rain, thinking I really don't want to go on this walk today. My adult voice said come on you have weight to lose. So after a two minute struggle I went out and walked for a palsly 35 minutes. Win to me.

It was then that I was actually chased round the park by a hound called Ruby. I don't know why I upset the poor pet so much maybe he knew what a foul mood i was in.

I prepared tea when I got in. I ate my desert as the meal was reheating in the microwave. Looked at the food on my plate and picked at it. At a small handful of nuts and one piece of chocolate. I was stupid to prepare food when I wasn't hungry. Today has been a tough day trying to establish what's happening with my finances, which accounts for my low spirits and my desire to actually eat. I have turned down my parent's invitation of chicken and chips.

Received a lovely letter from a friend today, in response to my recent post. It made me feel all warm and treacly inside. I really do need a support network and it looks like I have one.

Full Body Shot

Weigh in 3

Finally i have lost weight- 4.6lbs to be precise.The daily fluctuations are interesting but I was reading literature the other day, which actually recommended 3 month weigh ins, so the weight loss can be seen without daily fluctuations. I will continue daily weigh ins, with weekly reports for the time being.

I feel happy to be loosing the weight, but it seems such a small step along my life long journey. I'm worried about the journey ahead.

Long walk today, to make up for my day of rest yesterday. Exercise is definately the way forward for me.

Supermarkets and Cake Cravings.

Supermarkets tantalise me. I was in one today. It's fine when I have a shopping list and I can scoot round for what i need. However, when I shopping with my mother she will ask me to go and get some cake and wait in the aisle for her.

So there you find me in the aisle looking at cake. Coffee cake, madeira cake, angel cake, walnut cake, cherry cake, genoa cake. There are cup cakes with a turban of buttercream ontop. All of them I consider and run through the taste in my mind. It's like a crazed sort of pornography. In the end mum sort of saves me, by spotting ginger cake on a 3 for £2.00 offer. So into the basket goes the cake, to soon join the ever breeding chocolate biscuits in my parent's cupboards.

I can't say to my parents don't buy this stuff because its tempting me. I'm going to have to find a way to live without touching the stuff; no cakes, no biscuits. I do feel i need a crutch of chocolate for how long im not sure.

Not alone

It came to my attention today how many people do have issues with their weight. I was reading a couple of my diet books and I realised that it wasn't just us fatties who were coping with their weight, but even slim people have food issues and a fight on their hands each day. Today was quite special, I received some guidance from a couple of people regarding weight issues.

According to both diet books, I need to live my life as a slim person. That is to say walk about in their shoes each day, to learn a correct way of weight adjustment. I need to choose to stay slim!

This diet talk bores me slightly, I will confess. What you hear from people is the tip of the iceberg in terms of their personal problems. What has excited me this week is my desire to exercise.

I took myself off into the country to walk round another lake today. The wind was biting. I was looking for a shorter end to my walk but I was thrilled that I was out there. As it is mother's day today there were loads of mothers and their children walking round the lake. Yes most of them were slim. It seems that slim people do compensate for Sunday lunches with walks.

Treated myself to a trip to a neighbouring town, where they had a farmers market. Bought olives and stopped off at a veggie shop for some veggie fayre and a mango lassi, which i'm horrified to say I ate and drank in the car on the way home, being unable to wait until a normal tea time. All balanced and good you think?

I had a nap in the evening. I woke wanting a little "breakfast" so I ate two Italian biscuits with my tea. Sadly the tea outlasted the biscuits so I added two caramel digestives to this impromptu snack. Feeling dispirited. Perhaps i should have had a smaller cup of tea?

Desire to exercise

I couln't wait yesterday I had to try out my swimming costume. I did a search on the net to find a local pool that was open at night.
As I paid my money to the woman at the pool reception she asked me if I'd been there before. Then she ran through all the obvious stuff about how to use a locker. As I went through the doors to the changing rooms I could have sworn I heard her snigger but it might not have been at me. I had to abandon my glasses in the changing rooms, and I blindly followed the walls until i came to the pool area. It was a short walk to the pool and the pool was hardly crawling with folk.
It was a delight to be in the water. It was perfect temperature for lane swimming. I swam up and down without stopping. I'm still unnerved that everyone seems to be overtaking me. Left the pool feeling virtuous and happy with life with my hair full of chlorine.

Not wanting to be outdone by the other day's failure to walk in the country park I drove there again. This time I paid the parking fee and had a damned good walk. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Even the climb upto the car park at the end that had me wheezing for breath. I feel alive and my lungs feel cleansed.

Returned home to find that mum's friend had brought some cakes for us all. I selected the one I would have had and photographed it. Will I eat it? Don't be absurd! My parents can polish it off...